Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential for everyone healing from childhood sexual abuse. Understanding the importance of boundaries and learning how to set them can significantly impact your healing journey. In this blog post, I’ll delve into the complexities of setting boundaries, the challenges you might face, and practical steps to help you start setting healthy boundaries in your life.

The Innocence of Childhood and the Need for Boundaries

As a child, you might have naturally tried to protect your space and body, even if you didn’t have the skills to set boundaries effectively. Perhaps you refused to go with a caregiver, pulled away from an unwanted touch, or threw tantrums when forced to do something you disliked. These behaviors indicate your instinctive need to establish boundaries. However, without proper guidance, you couldn’t articulate or enforce these boundaries effectively.

In future discussions, we’ll explore how parents and caregivers can empower children to set healthy boundaries and recognize the warning signs of harm. But today, let’s focus on your journey as a survivor of childhood abuse and how you can reclaim your personal space and autonomy through boundary setting.

The Impact of Childhood Abuse on Boundary Setting

If you’re a survivor of childhood abuse, you might face unique challenges in setting boundaries. Abuse can create deep-seated beliefs and behaviors that persist into adulthood, making it difficult to assert personal boundaries. I, too, am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I remember vividly the day the abuse stopped when I screamed, “NO,” and left the room. Though the abuse ended, the damage had already been done, leading to complex emotional repercussions.

For many survivors, the act of setting boundaries can be associated with fear of abandonment or loss. After I stopped the abuse, my father distanced himself from me, and the non-sexual affection stopped. This led me to unconsciously believe that setting boundaries would result in feeling alone, unloved, and uncared for. Being connected became more important to me than my needs mattering. Consequently, I struggled to set boundaries in my adult relationships, fearing that asserting my needs would drive people away.

Overcoming False Beliefs and Setting Boundaries

Beliefs formed during abuse, such as feeling unworthy or invisible, often go unchallenged far into adulthood. These beliefs can dictate how you treat yourself and interact with others. For instance, my core false belief was that I didn’t matter. This belief manifested in various self-destructive ways, such as neglecting my own needs, prioritizing others’ wants, and not pursuing my dreams.

Recognizing and challenging these false beliefs is crucial for setting healthy boundaries. You need to understand that the abuse was not your fault and that you have the right to protect yourself and assert your needs. It also requires staying present and centered as an adult, rather than letting the hurt child within you dictate your actions. Of course, most of how we show up is unconscious, so bringing awareness to your patterns is crucial to be able to start setting boundaries.

Practical Steps to Setting Boundaries

Recognize Your Right to Boundaries: Understand that you have an absolute right to set boundaries. Boundaries serve as a protective barrier for your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They help define who you are and how you wish to interact with the world.
Reinforce Your Right to Boundaries: Regularly affirm your right to set boundaries. Speak to your younger self, reassuring them of their worth and right to protection. For example, tell yourself, “I am worthy of respect, and my comfort matters.”
Practice Setting Boundaries: Start practicing boundary-setting in safe environments. For instance, ask friends or family members for verbal consent before any physical contact. This can help desensitize your discomfort and make it easier to assert your boundaries in less controlled situations.

Journaling Exercise for Self-Reflection

Self-reflection can be a powerful tool in understanding and setting boundaries. Consider these questions:

What did you learn about setting boundaries growing up?
Did everyone in your family have an equal right to set boundaries?
Reflect on what boundaries mean to you and why they’re important.
Write down instances where your boundaries were violated and how it made you feel.
What boundaries would you set if there were no negative repercussions?
What stops you from setting these boundaries?

Reinforcing Boundaries with Actions

Affirmations need to be backed by actions. Practice behaviors that reinforce your boundaries. For instance, if unsolicited physical touch triggers you, practice by asking trusted friends and family members to ask for consent before touching you. This builds your confidence and reinforces your belief in your right to boundaries.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries is a vital step in your healing from childhood abuse. It involves recognizing your right to boundaries, reinforcing that right through affirmations and actions, and practicing boundary-setting in various aspects of your life. This journey is not easy, but with persistence and support, it becomes a path to reclaiming your space, autonomy, and sense of self.

If this resonates with you and you’re ready to grow your capacity to set healthy boundaries, consider getting Reclaiming Your Space: A Guide to Setting Boundaries. This comprehensive guide includes reflective questions, practical steps, and strategies to help you on your journey. Visit my website at Leila Reyes and start reclaiming your space today.

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The Law of Surrender

This Spiritual Law requires that you surrender to the circumstances of your life as they are. Ultimately, this is the “telling myself the truth” law. This is the way it is, now what? When you are able to surrender to what is, then you open yourself up to tons of possibilities that will change the experience you are having with your life. Surrendering is very different than giving up. When you “give up,” you feel victimized, but when you surrender you become empowered to take different actions than you have in the past. When you “give up,” you feel drained and empty, but when you surrender you are filled with inspiration and become open to a wider view of yourself and the world around you. When you resist what is, whatever you’re resisting consumes your attention and it becomes very difficult to be in the flow of your life. Surrendering opens us up to a greater reality than what we previously thought possible. Dan Millman talks about The Law of Surrender In the first half of this video, Millman teaches this law using some common circumstances we might find ourselves in. The Law of Surrender gives us new ways to be in the world. Millman also teaches an important concept that I work with in my coaching work: “Emotions are the weather patterns of the body.” During the second half of the video, Millman shares a simple way to stay in the present moment. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Surrender | My Heart Heals.
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Breakup Music Playlist

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The Law of Responsibility

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Samurai and the Inner Critic

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How Divorce and Global Warming are Connected

I was talking with one of my clients in an off-scheduled call during my morning yoga routine. She was distraught with emotion and we started making the analogy of how divorce can be described through weather patterns. We have EARTHQUAKES! This is the initial shock that rocks our foundation, destroying what we’ve grown and built over the years. We don’t know how much damage there is until we get underneath the structure. Sometimes the structure can be rebuilt, and others it needs to be completely torn down or abandoned. What do we learn from the earthquake? The importance of a strong foundation that is built on honest and open communication, and true intimacy and vulnerability. We learn the importance of creating a partnership from a foundation of shared values, hopes, and dreams. We learn the importance of knowing ourselves deeply before getting into a relationship in the first place. We learn the dangers of building our foundation on denial, resentments, and withheld communications. We have TORNADOS! These are the emotions that rip through us leaving us in a pile of rubble and not knowing how to clean up the mess. Sometimes, we don’t even know where to start. This is when we need to call in Red Cross! Get help from people who know the terrain and has access to the federal emergency fund. This is where you employ the support of friends to hold you when you cry and therapists, and coaches who have your back and help you navigate the emotional waters of divorce so you come out the other side empowered and ready to move on with confidence. While grief is anything but linear, we’re highly trained and have experience and expertise in helping you reinvent your life after divorce or breakup. We have FLOODS and Wild Winter Storms! These are the endless tears of grief that envelop us as we begin the process of letting to and accepting our loss. It can be very difficult to let go, even if we know it’s the right thing for us. We grieve the loss of an intact family, we grieve the loss of companionship, we grieve the loss of friends and family, and we grieve the loss of our hopes and dreams for a happy family. “You cannot heal what you cannot feel,” is a motto I live by. While denial is an active component of the 5 stages of grief that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified, sweeping your feelings under the rug or pretending you’re okay will only prolong the grieving process. Your birthright is to feel! While it may seem you will go out of control or that you will go so deep you won’t come back, if you give yourself permission to feel fully, then you will come out the other side feeling cleansed and renewed – just like the day after a huge thunderstorm. If you’ve ever been in one, you know the quality of freshness and aliveness is tangible – and delicious! We have GLOBAL WARMING! – more commonly known as Hot Flashes! Yes, divorce is compounded when you’re in your forties and fifties because many of us question our attractiveness and F*#%ability. We question our value and ability to attract a partner. Our bodies are changing! Our emotions and even our sleep patterns are affected by menopause. A friend of mine said that menopause means, MEN – o – PAUSE – and while she claims it’s a time to take a pause from men, I say it’s a time to Reclaim Yourself! Pay attention to the interconnectedness of your inner and outer experiences. Take the time to delve deeply into your belief system and become internally referenced. Let go of patterns of self-sabotage, limiting beliefs, and ways of thinking, and embrace your authentic core essence of who you are! We have the RAINBOW! Divorce is the perfect catastrophic life event to give birth to yourself! It’s a golden opportunity to learn who you are and to commit to a consciously created life of your choosing. There is life beyond divorce, and more often than not the struggles immediately following a divorce can bring you a better life. Imagine the rainbow and remember the promise of hope and renewal of life after the destruction! You can do it! You will get through it! And you don’t have to do it alone! This is where Spiritual Divorce and my Reclaim Yourself After Divorce process help. First Spiritual Divorce helps remove the layers of shame and guilt as you learn and integrate universal spiritual laws that heal your heart and empower you to move on with confidence. After you complete the one-on-one intensive Spiritual Divorce process or an online Study of Spiritual Divorce, then you can being the Reclaim Yourself Process and fall in love with yourself, regain your confidence, grow your self-esteem, and become the beloved you want to partner with. Take your Reclaim Yourself After Divorce Assessment and schedule and take your first steps toward the pot of gold!
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