How to Stop Settling & Start Thriving in Love

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you felt like you were giving everything, but your partner just wouldn’t fully show up? Maybe they avoided deeper connection, their communication was hot and cold, or their actions never quite matched their words. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone.

I know this pattern well—not just because I’ve coached countless women through it, but because I’ve lived it myself. I’ve been in those relationships where I bent myself into impossible shapes, hoping to be enough for someone who couldn’t meet me halfway. I know the ache of wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why does love feel so hard?”

The truth is, attracting unavailable partners isn’t about being “broken” or needing to “fix” yourself. It’s about uncovering the hidden beliefs and patterns that have been shaping your relationships—often without you even realizing it. These patterns influence not just how we stay in relationships but also who we choose to date in the first place. Let’s dive into why this happens, how it keeps us stuck, and, most importantly, what we can do to break free and create the love we deserve.

The Pull of Unavailable Partners: Why It Feels So Familiar

One of the hardest truths to face is that we’re often drawn to unavailable partners because it feels familiar. Early experiences with love, especially if they were inconsistent or conditional, teach us that connection has to be earned.

These beliefs might sound like:

  • “If I give enough, they’ll love me.”
  • “If I’m too much or ask for too much, they’ll leave.”
  • “This is the best I can hope for, so I’d better make it work.”

These unconscious scripts drive us to seek out relationships where we replay these dynamics, hoping this time will be different. The problem? It keeps us stuck in a cycle of chasing after love instead of receiving it freely. And it often starts before the relationship even begins—when we choose to overlook the early signs of emotional unavailability.

The Early Signs of Emotional Unavailability

The truth is, red flags are often present from the very beginning, but we either don’t see them or we choose to ignore them. Why? Because our early experiences with love taught us to normalize these behaviors or even find them attractive – in a subversive kind of way.

Does this sound familiar?

  • Inconsistent Communication: They’re warm and engaging one day, distant the next, leaving you questioning what you did wrong.
  • Avoidance of Deeper Connection: Conversations stay surface-level. Vulnerability feels off-limits.
  • Breadcrumbing: Just enough attention to keep you hooked but never enough to build something real.
  • Ghosting or Love-Bombing: Either disappearing without explanation or overwhelming you with affection, only to pull back when things get real.

At the start of a relationship, these traits might seem minor or even excusable. Maybe you tell yourself they’re just busy, they’ve had a hard day, or they’ll open up once they feel more comfortable. But over time, these behaviors reveal deeper patterns of unavailability.

Why We Overlook the Red Flags

Recognizing these behaviors can feel like a revelation, but seeing them in hindsight often comes with frustration: Why didn’t I see it sooner? The answer lies in the patterns we developed in childhood to cope with inconsistent or conditional love.

As children, we learn to adapt to our environment. If love felt unpredictable—one moment available, the next withheld—we internalized beliefs to make sense of that experience. These beliefs might include:

  • “Love is something you earn by being good or giving enough.”
  • “If someone pulls away, I just need to try harder to win them back.”
  • “This is normal; this is how relationships work.”

These beliefs can blind us to red flags, making unavailable partners seem appealing. It’s not that we don’t see the signs—it’s that part of us feels drawn to them because they reflect the patterns we know. And because they feel familiar, we ignore the discomfort, telling ourselves that this time it will be different. And… if you’re comfortable with that, it could be a sign of your own vulnerability around feeling unsafe and wanting to avoid rejection. Hear me out…

Turning the Lens Inward: The Real Shift

The game-changer in my own journey—and the work I do with clients—was realizing that these patterns weren’t just about them. I had to ask myself:

  • Why do I keep choosing people who can’t show up for me?
  • What’s happening in me that feels comfort in their unavailability?

It was a painful realization, but it was also freeing. I saw how my own walls—fear of being fully seen, fear of abandonment—were keeping me stuck. I wasn’t just choosing unavailable partners; I was showing up as unavailable, too.

The good news? You can change this. When you stop settling for crumbs and start addressing the patterns within yourself, everything shifts.

Steps to Break Free and Choose Differently

Breaking free doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s absolutely possible with small, intentional steps.

  1. Awareness Is Key
    Start by noticing your patterns.
  • What types of people are you drawn to?
  • How do you respond to behaviors like breadcrumbing or ghosting?
  • What beliefs about yourself might be driving these choices?

This isn’t about blame—it’s about understanding. Awareness is the foundation of change.

  1. Get Clear on Your Non-Negotiables
    Before you even start dating, define what you truly want in a relationship. This clarity helps you spot red flags early and decide whether someone aligns with your values.

Ask yourself:

  • What does emotional availability look like to me?
  • What are my non-negotiable values in a partner?

When you notice a behavior that doesn’t align, pause. Don’t ignore it or make excuses. Instead, communicate directly and give them the opportunity to address it. If they can’t, you’ll have the clarity to walk away early rather than getting deeper into a relationship that isn’t right for you.

  1. Learn to Trust Your Intuition
    Your gut often picks up on red flags before your mind does. If something feels off—if their actions don’t match their words or you’re left feeling unsure—pay attention. Trusting your intuition is an act of self-worth.
  2. Build Self-Worth Through Action
    Your worth isn’t something you “find”—it’s something you build. Each time you set a boundary, speak up, or walk away from something that doesn’t serve you, you strengthen your sense of self-worth.
  3. Honor Your Inner Child, Lead with Your Adult Self
    Recognize that the strategies you’ve used in the past—over-giving, staying silent—were brilliant tools to protect you as a child. But now, as an adult, you have the power to choose differently.

Embracing the Love You Deserve

The love you’re longing for isn’t out of reach—it’s closer than you think. But it starts with you. By showing up authentically, setting boundaries, and believing in your worth, you create the space for real, fulfilling love to enter your life.

When you begin to choose differently—recognizing red flags early, setting boundaries, and trusting your gut—you start to attract partners who are ready to meet you where you are. And the ones who aren’t? You’ll have the confidence to walk away, knowing you’re not losing love but making room for something better.

Let’s Take This Journey Together

If you’re ready to explore these patterns more deeply and take the first steps toward the love you deserve, let’s connect. Visit LeilaReyes.com to learn more about my workshops, programs, and resources.

Your next chapter is waiting—and it’s filled with the kind of love that sees and honors the real you. Let’s take this journey together.

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  • This Spiritual Law requires that you surrender to the circumstances of your life as they are. Ultimately, this is the “telling myself the truth” law. This is the way it is, now what? When you are able to surrender to what is, then you open yourself up to tons of possibilities that will change the experience you are having with your life. Surrendering is very different than giving up. When you “give up,” you feel victimized, but when you surrender you become empowered to take different actions than you have in the past. When you “give up,” you feel drained and empty, but when you surrender you are filled with inspiration and become open to a wider view of yourself and the world around you. When you resist what is, whatever you’re resisting consumes your attention and it becomes very difficult to be in the flow of your life. Surrendering opens us up to a greater reality than what we previously thought possible. Dan Millman talks about The Law of Surrender In the first half of this video, Millman teaches this law using some common circumstances we might find ourselves in. The Law of Surrender gives us new ways to be in the world. Millman also teaches an important concept that I work with in my coaching work: “Emotions are the weather patterns of the body.” During the second half of the video, Millman shares a simple way to stay in the present moment. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Surrender | My Heart Heals.

  • The Law of Responsibility will give you incredible freedom. This is counter-intuitive, but taking responsibility for yourself starts with acknowledging that the way your relationship looks and feels is the result of your choices. Many people point their fingers at their ex-partner and claim that ‘it’ was all their fault, while others might blame themselves. Here’s one thing we know for sure, if you blame others, you are not taking responsibility for yourself and you cannot heal and move on if you’re a victim. What does blame sound like? Internal dialogue running in the background… Does this sound familiar? It’s all my fault! I’m such a failure. If only I did it differently. If only I was prettier, nicer, sexier…. Blah, blah, blah…. He ruined my life. She betrayed me and now I’ll never trust again. Blah, blah, blah! Blaming does not serve you, and only indicates that you are in a victim mentality. With the laws of acceptance, surrender, and Divine guidance you will understand that taking responsibility is not about blaming…others or yourself. Blaming does not work. It does not change your circumstances and it does not make you feel better or motivate you to make necessary changes. Blaming your ex-partner will not bring you the peace you’re looking for. The Law of Responsibility requires that you end the blame game and take responsibility for what you’ve created. This is a hard law for many to integrate, but I can help you take this important step in healing your heart. When you take responsibility, you acknowledge how powerful you are. Be assured that as you take responsibility for what you’ve created, you will not be asked to condone inappropriate behavior or justify abuse. That is NEVER okay! Be honest with yourself! In this process, I will ask you to be brutally honest and ruthlessly compassionate with yourself. You will discover key choice points in your relationship that contributed to the necessity of a heart healing. Many people find that living The Law of Responsibility is a powerful turning point in their life, for it is in taking responsibility that you reclaim your ability to consciously create. Take responsibility Laura Silva is referring to teaching children to take responsibility for their choices. We could learn from what she teaches children. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Responsibility | My Heart Heals.

  • Fixing a relationship is much easier when you commit to these three things. Most people come to me for one of three reasons. They either want to move on after the ending of a relationship, they want to prepare themselves for a new relationship, or they want to know how to fix a relationship they’re in. The steps are the same for all three circumstances, they’re just applied differently. Today, we’re going to focus on how to fix a relationship. Your relationship didn’t get “broken” overnight, right? Most relationships need fixing because of a long series of choices that span many months or years. What’s important to know about this is that you’ll need to fix your relationship in the same manner — many choices over a period of time. This should give you hope, because consciously choosing your actions gives you the power to change your circumstances. That’s what you want, right? READ MORE over at Your Tango

  • Protecting your heart is a normal & natural thing to do! But it won’t get you what you want. One of the first things to happen when you go through a breakup or divorce is: you hurt like a #($*%. The pain can cut through you like a hot knife leaving you gasping for air. The normal human reaction to pain is to protect yourself. But unconscious protecting of your heart will leave you feeling alone and miserable and at it’s worse, it will deaden your spirit and leave you disconnected from the very things you most want: love, partnership, connection, to not be alone. It’s very common to commit to never loving again because of how deeply you’ve been hurt. Here are 3 steps you can take to protect your heart and keep it open. Step 1 -Stop Pointing your Finger! Protections like anger, blame, and resentment, are a few of the walls we erect to protect our hearts. We think these protections keep us safe, but they don’t really work. We mistakingly think that someone has to be responsible for what went wrong and we either blame the other person or we beat ourselves up without mercy. What’s really happening if you’re blaming your ex for the pain you’re in is that you’re unconsciously directing responsibility for the breakup away from yourself. If he or she did something that was really awful, then it’s easy to point your finger and say, “It’s all your fault!” It’s no different than self-blame, except that you’re unconsciously taking all the responsibility. If you’re a self-blamer, then you’re saying things like, “If only I did _____ differently,” or “If only I was better at______.” Either way, the first step is to cease and desist all blame – inbound or outbound. What if it didn’t really matter whose fault it was? What if you could take responsibility for your part without blame? What if you didn’t take responsibility for the parts that aren’t yours-without pointing your finger? The result will be a conscious awareness of what you and your ex co-created – together! Your breakup wouldn’t be happening if only one of you was in the relationship. While it may still be painful to look at your breakup in this way, if you want to protect your heart and keep it open for future love, then you must take responsibility without blame. Learn more about Spiritual Divorce ™ and the Law of Responsibility. Step 2 – Be Ruthlessly Compassionate! You can’t keep your heart open and protect it without a huge dose of compassion as you look at yourself and your part of the breakup. You may be tempted to circle back to the blame. Instead, take a breath and tell yourself that you’re okay and you did the best you could at the time. Be firm with yourself and don’t go into beating yourself up. If you do have an over-powering inner-critic, send him or her away for a vacation – they need a break! You will need to be able to be gentle with yourself as you notice your relationship patterns. Step 3 – Identify Your Red Flags! The information you discover from taking responsibility without blame will likely illuminate the choices you made that led to your breakup. If you’re completely honest with yourself, you will likely notice that you avoided something that you shouldn’t have avoided by sweeping it under the carpet. Maybe you didn’t speak up or you ignored signs of cheating, maybe you weren’t really happy but stayed for the kids. Give yourself permission to find your red flags, because they are your gold mine. Your red flags are what you will use to keep your heart open and safe at the same time. By addressing red flags as they come up, you will build a trusting relationship with yourself that you can count on to make conscious relationship choices. Need Support and divorce care? Learn the 7 Spiritual Laws in an 8-week Study & Support Group If you just haven’t been able to get through your pain, then I’d like to invite you to join me in a study of Debbie Ford’s Spiritual Divorce and get divorce care and support in our interactive online group. Use the above link to get more information or email me to sign up for the 8-week support group starting soon. You’re going to be okay!

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