About Sibling Sexual Abuse

This post is for those who have survived sibling sexual abuse and for those who suspect something may have happened to someone they love. My goal is to help you recognize the hidden impact of sibling abuse, validate the emotions that arise, and inspire you to take steps toward healing. If anything in this post resonates with you, take your time. Healing is not a race. Feel free to pause, reflect, journal, or reach out for support as you go.

Sibling sexual abuse is one of the least discussed yet most prevalent forms of childhood sexual abuse. Because it happens within the family, a place that’s supposed to offer protection and love, many survivors struggle in silence, often minimizing their experiences or feeling unsure whether what happened to them was truly “abuse.” If you’re reading this and wondering whether this applies to you, a friend, or a family member, I want you to know this: your experiences matter.

What Is Sibling Sexual Abuse?

Sibling sexual abuse occurs when one sibling coerces, manipulates, or forces another into sexual acts. Unlike normal childhood curiosity, which is mutual and exploratory, abuse is characterized by an imbalance of power, secrecy, and coercion.

Some common patterns of sibling sexual abuse include:

Age or power difference: The abuser is typically older, physically stronger, or has more control in the relationship.
Secrecy: The abuse happens in private, and the victim is often threatened or manipulated into staying silent.
Force or coercion: This can range from physical threats to emotional manipulation (e.g., “If you tell, I’ll get in trouble, and it’ll be your fault”).
Repeated incidents: Although a one-time event of inappropriate behavior can be devastating, sibling sexual abuse is usually ongoing.

One of the reasons this abuse remains hidden is because many survivors don’t realize it was abuse until adulthood. They may assume it was “just how siblings are,” or they may have been gaslit by their families into believing they misunderstood what happened.

Why Is It So Hard to Speak Up?

For many survivors, sibling sexual abuse is accompanied by deep, suffocating silence. Families often don’t want to acknowledge that one child has harmed another, and parents may react with denial, minimization, or even blame.

“They were just kids.” Many parents dismiss abuse as sibling rivalry or normal childhood exploration, refusing to acknowledge the harm it caused.
“You’re exaggerating.” Survivors are often met with disbelief, as families struggle to accept the truth.
Fear of losing family relationships. Survivors may remain silent to avoid breaking apart their family or being ostracized.
Guilt and self-blame. Because families rarely discuss sibling sexual abuse, many survivors wonder if they somehow invited or deserved the abuse.

These reactions don’t just silence survivors—they compound the trauma, making them question their memories, emotions, and worth.

If this has happened to you, please know: you are not crazy. You are not overreacting. You are not to blame.

The Lasting Impact of Sibling Sexual Abuse

Sibling sexual abuse doesn’t just end when childhood does. Its effects can show up in adulthood in ways survivors might not even recognize as connected.

Trust Issues in Relationships

Many survivors struggle with trusting others—especially in romantic relationships. You may feel like you can’t fully relax or believe in someone’s love for you.

Sabotaging Love & Pushing People Away

Survivors often develop a fear of abandonment, leading them to test their partners, withdraw emotionally, or settle for unhealthy relationships.

People-Pleasing and Codependency

If you were blamed, silenced, or ignored, you might have learned that your needs don’t matter. This can lead to over-giving, tolerating poor treatment, or struggling to set boundaries.

Feeling Like You Don’t Matter

Many survivors carry a deep, unconscious belief that they are unimportant or invisible. This can show up in friendships, work environments, and romantic relationships.

Internalized Shame and Self-Blame

One of the hardest aspects of healing is learning to recognize that you were never responsible for what happened. Even if you didn’t say no. Even if you felt love or attachment to your sibling. Even if your family blames you.

The truth is simple: it was not your fault.

How to Recognize Sibling Sexual Abuse in Others

If you suspect that someone you love has experienced sibling sexual abuse, here are some signs to look for:

In Children

Avoiding or being fearful of a sibling
Sudden withdrawal, anxiety, or depression
Knowledge of sexual behaviors beyond their age
Nightmares, bedwetting, or trouble sleeping
Acting out sexually with peers or younger siblings

In Adults Who Were Abused as Children

Unexplained self-doubt or deep-seated shame
Difficulty trusting partners, especially in intimate relationships
Patterns of toxic relationships or settling for less than they deserve
Chronic people-pleasing or an inability to set boundaries
A history of being dismissed, blamed, or silenced by family when speaking about past abuse

How to Begin Healing

If any of this resonates with you, the next step is acknowledgment. You don’t need anyone else to validate your experience—you are allowed to recognize it for yourself.

Acknowledge That It Happened

Even if your memories are fragmented, even if your family dismisses it, your experience is real. You are allowed to name it.

Break the Silence

Silence can keep trauma alive. Whether it’s through therapy, coaching, journaling, or confiding in a trusted friend, telling your story is a crucial part of healing.

Find Support

You do not have to heal alone. There are therapists, support groups, and coaches who specialize in childhood sexual abuse and family trauma.

If your family refuses to acknowledge what happened, you can still heal. You do not need their validation to begin your journey.

Release Guilt & Self-Blame

Abuse is never the victim’s fault. No matter what anyone says, you did not deserve what happened.

Redefine Your Relationships

You get to decide who has access to your life. If staying connected to your family is causing you pain, you are allowed to set boundaries or even walk away.

A Final Word: You Are Not Alone

Healing from sibling sexual abuse can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. You are not crazy. You are not broken. You are not beyond healing.

If you take one thing from this post, let it be this:
Your pain is real, and your healing is possible.

If you’re ready to get support, connect with me here

And if you’re feeling alone right now, please know: there are people who believe you, who see you, and who are ready to walk this path with you.

You deserve healing. You deserve peace. And you deserve a life free from the weight of the past.

Archives

Rebuilding after divorce

“The way we feel about our [DIVORCE] is a result of the interpretations we have made.” There is no other truth that is more powerful than you have the power to choose how you interpret the painful events of your life! When you choose to look at your divorce as a catastrophic event or a catalyst for an even better life, then you are choosing to focus on an outcome that you are likely to manifest. This fact can be devastating or empowering, and you get to choose that too! Even quantum physics says nothing is created until it is first thought of in the mind. With this as a guiding principle, it is very important to become aware of our thoughts and the choices we are making, because within these interpretations we create our reality! Your life tomorrow will be the result of the interpretations you’re making today! Build a strong foundation! I know of very few experiences that throw people off more than a relationship crisis. Rebuilding after divorce isn’t a cakewalk. Whether it’s a betrayal, death, or divorce (which feels like a death), you must rebuild from the ground up! Your interpretations of your circumstances are your foundation. Imagine rebuilding your life on the following beliefs (which are very common, so don’t feel bad if you’re feeling this): I’m a failure I’m going to be alone forever I’m worthless I’ll never have the relationship I want, so I might as well settle for what I have What do you think you will create if you approach your future with those thoughts? Now, I’m not saying to pretend you’re not having these thoughts when you are. I’m saying that these are ONLY thoughts and interpretations of the reasons for your loss, and you do have the power to choose your beliefs. This is a very important distinction and can change your life, so bear with me. Rebuilding after divorce is absolutely necessary! What if you built your foundation on these thoughts: It’s obvious that there’s something better for me, or this wouldn’t be happening to me. I am worthy of copious amounts of love, respect, and care so obviously I need to move on from this relationship, because, if I’m not getting what I need here I need to make myself available for it somewhere else. I am so excited to meet the next love of my life because it only gets better from here. A belief that “I am not ever going to find another partner”, will leave you with a willingness to settle for less from your current partner (or other people in your life). The mindset that you won’t get what you want compels you to give in to fears of taking risks… of letting go… or of being alone… You get to choose in each moment! I am guilty of making negative interpretations as much as the next. It’s okay as long as we recognize that we are creating through our thoughts, words, and actions – and get the support we need to take the risks that will evolve us to the next level of co-creation. When you recognize you’re making negative interpretations, then simply stop. Consciously choose an interpretation that empowers you to move forward in creating a life after your divorce that you can be excited about. Three Steps to a strong foundation! Alright, this could take some time because the old way of interpreting what is happing in your life could be like digging out the old footings that held your old foundation up, but you need an upgrade Baby! Be patient, compassionate, and gentle with yourself as you learn to choose an empowered perspective for your circumstances. Try these three simple steps: Write down all the negative interpretations about your life, your partner, your work, etc. Yup! Get it ALL out, and don’t hold back because your empowered future depends on this! Make a list of alternate (empowered) interpretations for each one. Write a note to yourself that says: “What is an empowered interpretation?” each time you find yourself thinking of a negative interpretation. You can read about the Law of Choice in Debbie Ford’s book, Spiritual Divorce, or you can sign up here to receive information for my next online group study of Spiritual Divorce, so you can implement powerful spiritual laws of divorce in the presence of an online community and Spiritual Divorce coach.
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The Law of Acceptance

The first spiritual law states “everything is as it should be.” It’s not easy to embrace this law when your spouse just lied to you about your financial situation, cheated on you with your best friend, or is threatening you with divorce. Nor is it easy to embrace this law when your heart is broken and you are in the most intense pain wishing to not have the experience you’re having and for your life to be different. There’s an old Sufi story about a farmer and his son. Have you heard it? The farmer heads out to feed his animals and his prized horse is dead. As soon as the village learned of this tragedy, they came to express their condolences. The farmer heard the same message throughout the day: “What a terrible thing to have happen to you. This is the worst thing that could happen.” The farmer repeated what became a mantra to the well-wishers: “Perhaps…. perhaps…” The following week, while the farmer was working the land, his eldest son runs to tell him that he just captured a herd of wild horses. This time the villagers were excited for the farmer and came to congratulate him on his good fortune. “You are so lucky! Look at the blessing that has been bestowed upon you. An entire herd of horses! You rock!” Interestingly, the farmer’s reply was the same as before, “Perhaps…” A few days later he sent his son to tame the wild horses. In the process, the farmer’s son was thrown to the ground and his leg was broken. You know the villagers were pretty tight back then, so they all heard of the tragedy. Once again the villagers came to check on the boy and to inform the farmer of what bad luck he was having. The farmer’s reply once again was, “Perhaps… perhaps.” The farmer’s son was still bedridden several weeks later when the emperor sent his messengers to round up all the boys who could fight in a local battle. Of course, they passed the boy right on by when the messengers saw how injured he was. A few weeks later, the neighbors, who lost their sons in the battle, again come by the farmer’s home and say, “You’re so lucky to have your son home with you.” And do you know what the farmer said? You’re right, “Perhaps… perhaps.” Acceptance: It may be the last thing you want to do. Usually, when we’re in the middle of a crisis, our first thought tends to be something like this: It shouldn’t be like this. Why is this happening to me? The Law of Acceptance teaches us that our lives are always evolving whether we know it or not and invites us to remember that what may appear to be a tragedy, maybe in reality leading us to the fulfillment of our dreams. When you are living this law you will be heading toward a trusting relationship with the Divine. You will trust on an intuitive level that the changes that are taking place in your life are ultimately for your highest good – even when you are hurting. The Law of Acceptance is the first step toward healing your broken heart. As you embrace The Law of Acceptance, you will open yourself up to reinventing yourself and creating the life that you most desire. RESOURCES: exercise, book, and a video. Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford The Right Questions by Debbie Ford Byron Katie — Is it true? In this powerful video, Byron Katie highlights a story about a woman who doesn’t even know what she wants. After asking a few important questions, she discovers that she doesn’t even want her husband back. Can you imagine the freedom you can have from discovering what you really want?
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The Law of Surrender

This Spiritual Law requires that you surrender to the circumstances of your life as they are. Ultimately, this is the “telling myself the truth” law. This is the way it is, now what? When you are able to surrender to what is, then you open yourself up to tons of possibilities that will change the experience you are having with your life. Surrendering is very different than giving up. When you “give up,” you feel victimized, but when you surrender you become empowered to take different actions than you have in the past. When you “give up,” you feel drained and empty, but when you surrender you are filled with inspiration and become open to a wider view of yourself and the world around you. When you resist what is, whatever you’re resisting consumes your attention and it becomes very difficult to be in the flow of your life. Surrendering opens us up to a greater reality than what we previously thought possible. Dan Millman talks about The Law of Surrender In the first half of this video, Millman teaches this law using some common circumstances we might find ourselves in. The Law of Surrender gives us new ways to be in the world. Millman also teaches an important concept that I work with in my coaching work: “Emotions are the weather patterns of the body.” During the second half of the video, Millman shares a simple way to stay in the present moment. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Surrender | My Heart Heals.
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The Law of Choice

How we interpret the events in our lives determines our experience. How can this be true? Let me give you an example. My mother left when I was a teenager. She left without saying, “Goodbye.” I interpreted her leaving to mean that I was insignificant. I felt as if I didn’t matter and was unworthy of her time and attention. The belief that I created in my own mind, led to a life in which I felt very insignificant. To avoid feeling insignificant I created situations in which I was a key player. I didn’t want to feel those old wounds and so I avoided them like the plague. Unfortunately, I still felt insignificant, and nothing I could do filled the wound. The only thing that shifted my experience was integrating The Law of Choice. Once I stepped out of an automatic negatively created interpretation, I was able to consciously create an empowering interpretation of these painful events. Choosing your interpretations of the events in your life is a very powerful step toward healing your heart. There is no better way to empower yourself than to view the circumstances of your relationship from The Law of Choice. We make hundreds of choices every day. Are they conscious? You make hundreds of choices about how to spend your money. You make choices to turn left or right all day long. You choose what books to read and you choose which shows to watch on television. The amount of choice that is available to you is insurmountable. Life is a matter of choice. Why would it not be true also for your thinking? You decide what to think about what has happened to you–what it means about you. Often you look outside of yourself for what to believe about yourself and the events of your life. With the ending of a relationship, you will find yourself with a potpourri of options. You can choose to think that the ending of your relationship is the worst thing that ever happened or the best. I’d like to support you in making a powerful interpretation of the ending of your relationship. An interpretation that opens the door to a life beyond what you can currently comprehend. A life filled with peace and love and fulfillment. Choose your thoughts! I love the work of Byron Katie because she is able to zero in on how our thoughts dictate our behavior. We will either choose to think thoughts that limit us or that expand us. We will choose thoughts that empower us or disempower us. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Choice | My Heart Heals.
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Resentment or Righteous Anger: How to Know the Difference

Difficult Emotions when you move on after divorce Who hasn’t gone through a breakup and felt angry, marginalized, or powerless? Divorce can often act as a catalyst for regaining lost power, but difficult and confusion emotions can complicate the process. As conscious as we want to consider ourselves, it is actually quite common to fall into the trap of trying to regain our power through manipulation and control. You need to know where you stand, in yourself, to be able to wield your anger in constructive and empowered ways. The First Step is Knowing the Difference between resentment and righteous anger! When your anger is a result of resentment, then you can be sure that you feel unsettled inside, but when your anger is the result of taking a stand, then you will experience a sense of calm – even when you might not get what you want! Here are some ways to recognize the difference: RESENTMENT Resentment is a result of not taking care of yourself, and expecting others to give you what you want even though you haven’t directly asked for it. Feelings of resentment are common in a breakup because they build over time. In the beginning, you might have an expectation that your partner will say or do something and when they don’t live up to your expectation, then you feel let down or a little angry. Burying the little feeling is like planting a seed that eventually turns into a garden of resentment. Over time, you will discover little ‘volunteer’ plants of resentment where you didn’t expect them.When you feel resentment, you will have an experience of wanting to get back at your partner (or ex), to hurt them in some way, or “make them pay” for what they’ve done (or not done). Once you’ve made it to the point of divorce, it’s much more difficult to pull the weeds of resentment, but you can do it. I’m not here to say it’s an easy task, but I guarantee you that the work you do around releasing your resentment will help you regain your power and leave you feeling the peace of mind you so desperately want to experience. RIGHTEOUS ANGER Righteous anger is different than the anger that comes from resentment, because you’re putting your stake in the ground and letting others know what your boundary is. The way to express righteous anger is to know yourself deeply and know where you stand, so you recognize when a boundary has been crossed. Regaining your power after divorce or breakup is sacred work and in the process you will discover that many of the choices you made did not serve you. In this recognition you can stop blaming your ex and start giving yourself what you need. You’re not always going to get what you want. You may have to fight for your rights, and as you stand up for yourself from an empowered, matter-of-fact knowing, then you will be able to release your resentments gradually and naturally. It’s not about “Right” and “Wrong” We tend to look at things from our own perspectives, so don’t get caught up in believing that your righteous anger is about you being right and your partner being wrong. There is no right and wrong thinking that will bring you peace. EVER! In the knowing of who you are, you can make decisions that are ‘right’ for you and you may take other people into consideration when making your choices. What you must know is the difference between the actions you take that are from resentment or righteous anger so you don’t make a bigger mess of things, because divorce and breakups are messy. Some suggestions: As you move on after divorce or breakup, it is important to own your feelings! Know yourself and the pain you’re in and take responsibility for your part of the co-creation of your current circumstances. Don’t blame anyone else for not getting what you want. Instead vision the life you want and make choices that lead you toward peace and happiness. Set and maintain clear boundaries with yourself and others, and above all else: Take care of yourself as if you were one of the top 3 most important people in your life. COMMENTS Please! (I’ll respond!) Leave your comments below, by answering one of the following inquiries: What are your top resentments are and your struggles for releasing them as you move on after divorce or breakup? Describe what you’re doing to hold on to or let go of your resentments. What stand do you need to take? How will you commit to taking really good care of yourself this week?
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