When we’ve been wounded, it’s natural to question our own value. And for many, these doubts shape how we relate to others—sometimes in ways we aren’t even aware of. If you’re reading this and resonate with feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, or even a sense of unworthiness in relationships, I want to say this to you: You’re not alone.
I’ve walked this path myself, as have many others. Healing isn’t easy, and it’s not about “getting over it.” It’s about facing these deeply ingrained patterns with compassion and, slowly, building a relationship with ourselves that feels as kind and loving as the relationships we wish for.
How Trauma Shapes Our Beliefs About Love and Self-Worth
As children, we look to caregivers and trusted adults for security, love, and guidance. When that trust is broken, especially through abuse or neglect, the developing mind often turns inward for answers. This is when the painful belief that “something is wrong with me” can start to take root.
For a long time, I carried this belief myself, even if I couldn’t name it because the only words I understood is, “I don’t matter.” This belief showed up in subtle ways: in the way I second-guessed my choices, minimized my needs, or accepted less than I deserved. These patterns felt normal to me because they were so deeply tied to that hidden, unspoken belief. If this resonates with you, know that you are not broken for feeling this way. These patterns aren’t reflections of your character or worth; they’re survival responses, ways of protecting yourself that were developed when you didn’t know there was another way.
The Subtle Signs of Unworthiness in Relationships
When unworthiness has seeped into our core, it often shows up in ways that might seem small but have big effects.
Here are some signs that residual wounding is impacting your life today:
- Deflecting or Downplaying Compliments:
Have you ever felt uncomfortable when someone offers you a kind word or genuine compliment? Do you brush it off or turn it back on them, feeling that their words couldn’t possibly be true? This deflection often stems from feeling unworthy of love or attention—a feeling that, deep down, if they really knew you, they wouldn’t say such kind things. - Prioritizing Others Over Yourself:
If you’ve spent a lifetime trying to earn love, you may find it hard to voice your needs or even recognize what they are. This may mean you prioritize your partner’s needs above your own, convinced that doing so is the only way to keep them close. While this can look like love, it often comes from fear of rejection. - Settling in Unfulfilling Relationships:
Staying in relationships where we feel unseen, undervalued, or disrespected is another way unworthiness can manifest. It’s as if some part of us believes that this is all we deserve or that love will always require some level of suffering. And when you’re used to pain in love, it’s hard to imagine a different experience.
If any of these behaviors sound familiar, take a moment to breathe and recognize that they’re signs, not flaws. They’re signs of past wounds surfacing, asking for your attention and care.
A Client Story: Choosing to Believe in Your Worth
In my work, I see so many clients with stories of staying in relationships that don’t serve them because, like me, they’ve internalized this sense of unworthiness. One of my clients, a remarkable woman with a beautiful soul, struggled to leave an unhealthy relationship. Despite having another partner who treated her with kindness and respect, she chose to stay with someone who had betrayed her. She couldn’t see herself as deserving of the healthy love offered to her and believed, on some level, that pain was just part of her relationships – but is was actually one of the impacts of how she was harmed when she was a kid.
Over time, through our work together, she began to recognize how her feelings of unworthiness had influenced this choice. Today, she’s in a deeply loving, reciprocal relationship. Her journey reminds me that change is possible, even after years of painful patterns.
Self-Reflection: Exploring Your Relationship with Worthiness
I want to invite you into a gentle exploration of your own relationship with worthiness. These self-reflective exercises aren’t about judgment; they’re about bringing curiosity to areas where we often avoid looking. They might be uncomfortable, but with repetition, that will become easier.
- Notice How You Respond to Compliments
The next time someone offers you a compliment, observe your response. Do you dismiss it or struggle to accept it fully? Consider saying, “Thank you,” and letting yourself feel what it’s like to receive that acknowledgment without deflection. - Reflect on Boundaries in Your Relationships
Take a moment to think about the boundaries you set in relationships. Do you feel safe to say “no” when needed, or do you fear rejection? Practicing boundary-setting, even in small ways, can be a powerful step toward reclaiming your self-worth. - Examine Your Choices in Relationships
If you find yourself in relationships that feel one-sided or unfulfilling, ask yourself what beliefs may be holding you there. Are you staying out of fear or a belief that love always requires sacrifice? Recognizing these patterns can be the first step toward choosing relationships that truly honor you. - Journal Your Self-Talk
Start to track the inner dialogue you carry about your worth. Notice if self-doubt or criticism creeps in, and gently challenge these thoughts. Remind yourself that you were born worthy, that worthiness isn’t something you earn but something you inherently possess.
A Vision for Your Future: Embracing the Love You Deserve
Click the link to listen to Episode 2 of From Trauma to True Love connected to this post, and I’ll guide you through a visualization where you imagine that you’re in a relationship where you feel cherished, valued, and fully seen. You’ll imagine speaking your mind, setting boundaries without fear, and receiving love with ease. This vision isn’t a far-off dream—it’s a reminder of what’s possible when we begin to see ourselves as worthy of real, nourishing connection.
Once you have this vision, you can let yourself feel the warmth of this love and acceptance. Each small step toward building your self-worth is a step toward creating relationships that reflect that worth. So, connect with your vision and remember that the journey isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress; it’s about allowing yourself to explore what love can feel like when it’s rooted in respect and honor.
You Are Not Alone on This Journey
You don’t have to walk this path alone. Healing happens through connection, and if you’re feeling the weight of unworthiness, I’m here to help you gently lay it down.
Reach out to me to explore these themes more deeply and how they show up in your life personally. I would love to guide you through practical steps to begin recognizing and shifting the patterns that no longer serve you.
Thank you for being here, for allowing yourself to explore these tender areas, and for choosing to believe in the possibility of change. The love you deserve is within reach, and each small act of self-compassion brings you closer. Remember, you’re worthy of love simply because you exist, and I am honored to support you on this journey.
