Always Choosing Unavailable Partners?

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you felt like you were giving everything, but your partner just wouldn’t fully show up? Maybe they avoided deeper connection, their communication was hot and cold, or their actions never quite matched their words. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone.

I know this pattern well—not just because I’ve coached countless women through it, but because I’ve lived it myself. I’ve been in those relationships where I bent myself into impossible shapes, hoping to be enough for someone who couldn’t meet me halfway. I know the ache of wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why does love feel so hard?”

The truth is, attracting unavailable partners isn’t about being “broken” or needing to “fix” yourself. It’s about uncovering the hidden beliefs and patterns that have been shaping your relationships—often without you even realizing it. These patterns influence not just how we stay in relationships but also who we choose to date in the first place. Let’s dive into why this happens, how it keeps us stuck, and, most importantly, what we can do to break free and create the love we deserve.

The Pull of Unavailable Partners: Why It Feels So Familiar

One of the hardest truths to face is that we’re often drawn to unavailable partners because it feels familiar. Early experiences with love, especially if they were inconsistent or conditional, teach us that connection has to be earned.

These beliefs might sound like:

“If I give enough, they’ll love me.”
“If I’m too much or ask for too much, they’ll leave.”
“This is the best I can hope for, so I’d better make it work.”

These unconscious scripts drive us to seek out relationships where we replay these dynamics, hoping this time will be different. The problem? It keeps us stuck in a cycle of chasing after love instead of receiving it freely. And it often starts before the relationship even begins—when we choose to overlook the early signs of emotional unavailability.

The Early Signs of Emotional Unavailability

The truth is, red flags are often present from the very beginning, but we either don’t see them or we choose to ignore them. Why? Because our early experiences with love taught us to normalize these behaviors or even find them attractive – in a subversive kind of way.

Does this sound familiar?

Inconsistent Communication: They’re warm and engaging one day, distant the next, leaving you questioning what you did wrong.
Avoidance of Deeper Connection: Conversations stay surface-level. Vulnerability feels off-limits.
Breadcrumbing: Just enough attention to keep you hooked but never enough to build something real.
Ghosting or Love-Bombing: Either disappearing without explanation or overwhelming you with affection, only to pull back when things get real.

At the start of a relationship, these traits might seem minor or even excusable. Maybe you tell yourself they’re just busy, they’ve had a hard day, or they’ll open up once they feel more comfortable. But over time, these behaviors reveal deeper patterns of unavailability.

Why We Overlook the Red Flags

Recognizing these behaviors can feel like a revelation, but seeing them in hindsight often comes with frustration: Why didn’t I see it sooner? The answer lies in the patterns we developed in childhood to cope with inconsistent or conditional love.

As children, we learn to adapt to our environment. If love felt unpredictable—one moment available, the next withheld—we internalized beliefs to make sense of that experience. These beliefs might include:

“Love is something you earn by being good or giving enough.”
“If someone pulls away, I just need to try harder to win them back.”
“This is normal; this is how relationships work.”

These beliefs can blind us to red flags, making unavailable partners seem appealing. It’s not that we don’t see the signs—it’s that part of us feels drawn to them because they reflect the patterns we know. And because they feel familiar, we ignore the discomfort, telling ourselves that this time it will be different. And… if you’re comfortable with that, it could be a sign of your own vulnerability around feeling unsafe and wanting to avoid rejection. Hear me out…

Turning the Lens Inward: The Real Shift

The game-changer in my own journey—and the work I do with clients—was realizing that these patterns weren’t just about them. I had to ask myself:

Why do I keep choosing people who can’t show up for me?
What’s happening in me that feels comfort in their unavailability?

It was a painful realization, but it was also freeing. I saw how my own walls—fear of being fully seen, fear of abandonment—were keeping me stuck. I wasn’t just choosing unavailable partners; I was showing up as unavailable, too.

The good news? You can change this. When you stop settling for crumbs and start addressing the patterns within yourself, everything shifts.

Steps to Break Free and Choose Differently

Breaking free doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s absolutely possible with small, intentional steps.

Awareness Is Key
Start by noticing your patterns.

What types of people are you drawn to?
How do you respond to behaviors like breadcrumbing or ghosting?
What beliefs about yourself might be driving these choices?

This isn’t about blame—it’s about understanding. Awareness is the foundation of change.

Get Clear on Your Non-Negotiables
Before you even start dating, define what you truly want in a relationship. This clarity helps you spot red flags early and decide whether someone aligns with your values.

Ask yourself:

What does emotional availability look like to me?
What are my non-negotiable values in a partner?

When you notice a behavior that doesn’t align, pause. Don’t ignore it or make excuses. Instead, communicate directly and give them the opportunity to address it. If they can’t, you’ll have the clarity to walk away early rather than getting deeper into a relationship that isn’t right for you.

Learn to Trust Your Intuition
Your gut often picks up on red flags before your mind does. If something feels off—if their actions don’t match their words or you’re left feeling unsure—pay attention. Trusting your intuition is an act of self-worth.
Build Self-Worth Through Action
Your worth isn’t something you “find”—it’s something you build. Each time you set a boundary, speak up, or walk away from something that doesn’t serve you, you strengthen your sense of self-worth.
Honor Your Inner Child, Lead with Your Adult Self
Recognize that the strategies you’ve used in the past—over-giving, staying silent—were brilliant tools to protect you as a child. But now, as an adult, you have the power to choose differently.

Embracing the Love You Deserve

The love you’re longing for isn’t out of reach—it’s closer than you think. But it starts with you. By showing up authentically, setting boundaries, and believing in your worth, you create the space for real, fulfilling love to enter your life.

When you begin to choose differently—recognizing red flags early, setting boundaries, and trusting your gut—you start to attract partners who are ready to meet you where you are. And the ones who aren’t? You’ll have the confidence to walk away, knowing you’re not losing love but making room for something better.

Let’s Take This Journey Together

If you’re ready to explore these patterns more deeply and take the first steps toward the love you deserve, let’s connect. Visit LeilaReyes.com to learn more about my workshops, programs, and resources.

Your next chapter is waiting—and it’s filled with the kind of love that sees and honors the real you. Let’s take this journey together.

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What does the Research Show? Over a decade of research confirms two of my 7-key practices as necessary for living a happy and fulfilling life after divorce. This TedTalk by Brene’ Brown should be watched often to remind you that you are in control of the quality of your experience in life, even as your life seems to be unraveling completely out of control. Implement these practices from my PDF Report and you will shorten your healing process – guaranteed! Why is Divorce so Painful? Science has shown that we are neurobiologically wired for CONNECTION. When we experience a divorce, so many connections are severed. We no longer have a partner to sleep next to or share the successes and challenges our daily life brings. The connections we have in our social circles change. We no longer share dinner parties or vacations or holidays with the same people and it’s quite common to feel like we no longer belong. 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Beneath this surface, she says is an ‘excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.” It’s normal to worry about what people think! Not one person I’ve worked with hasn’t had a sense of fear about what people think about them, but in terms of being happy, it’s wasted energy that is counter-productive to rebuilding a life for yourself after divorce and finding your way back into connection. If you are withholding how you’re really feeling and what is really going on with you, then it’s likely you are experiencing shame. Your sense of worthiness is compromised and when you lack a sense of worthiness of receiving love and belonging, then you will isolate yourself as a protection. But, that will never give you what you really want, which research shows is connection. You must attend to your sense of Worthiness! In over six years of collecting stories, conducting interviews, and heading focus groups, researcher Brene’ Brown discovered that There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it… the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy… the thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we’re not worthy of connection… After a divorce or breakup, our sense of worthiness may be shaken or it may be that a deeper wounding around our worthiness is spotlighted. It there is one thing that I’ve noticed can change your life faster is to develop your sense of worthiness to, not only have love and belonging, but to create a better life for yourself beyond your loss. Let yourself be Courageous! Courage is the one quality that needs to be cultivated when moving on after a divorce so you can experience connection. Brence’s research shows that those with a sense of courage are those that have a strong sense of love and belonging. Courage, as Brene’ explains is “to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart [and to have] the compassion to be kind to [yourself] first and then to others [because] we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.” Telling the story of who are are with your whole heart requires you to be vulnerable and honest with others about what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. It requires you to be real and raw. When my clients are vulnerable with me, I make sure they know how beautiful they are in their vulnerability and how deeply connected I feel to them because of them sharing authentically. How can you create connection? There are numerous things you can do to alleviate your suffering and many of them are going to be directly related to your willingness to be vulnerable and create meaningful connections with people. 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