Always Choosing Unavailable Partners?

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you felt like you were giving everything, but your partner just wouldn’t fully show up? Maybe they avoided deeper connection, their communication was hot and cold, or their actions never quite matched their words. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone.

I know this pattern well—not just because I’ve coached countless women through it, but because I’ve lived it myself. I’ve been in those relationships where I bent myself into impossible shapes, hoping to be enough for someone who couldn’t meet me halfway. I know the ache of wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why does love feel so hard?”

The truth is, attracting unavailable partners isn’t about being “broken” or needing to “fix” yourself. It’s about uncovering the hidden beliefs and patterns that have been shaping your relationships—often without you even realizing it. These patterns influence not just how we stay in relationships but also who we choose to date in the first place. Let’s dive into why this happens, how it keeps us stuck, and, most importantly, what we can do to break free and create the love we deserve.

The Pull of Unavailable Partners: Why It Feels So Familiar

One of the hardest truths to face is that we’re often drawn to unavailable partners because it feels familiar. Early experiences with love, especially if they were inconsistent or conditional, teach us that connection has to be earned.

These beliefs might sound like:

“If I give enough, they’ll love me.”
“If I’m too much or ask for too much, they’ll leave.”
“This is the best I can hope for, so I’d better make it work.”

These unconscious scripts drive us to seek out relationships where we replay these dynamics, hoping this time will be different. The problem? It keeps us stuck in a cycle of chasing after love instead of receiving it freely. And it often starts before the relationship even begins—when we choose to overlook the early signs of emotional unavailability.

The Early Signs of Emotional Unavailability

The truth is, red flags are often present from the very beginning, but we either don’t see them or we choose to ignore them. Why? Because our early experiences with love taught us to normalize these behaviors or even find them attractive – in a subversive kind of way.

Does this sound familiar?

Inconsistent Communication: They’re warm and engaging one day, distant the next, leaving you questioning what you did wrong.
Avoidance of Deeper Connection: Conversations stay surface-level. Vulnerability feels off-limits.
Breadcrumbing: Just enough attention to keep you hooked but never enough to build something real.
Ghosting or Love-Bombing: Either disappearing without explanation or overwhelming you with affection, only to pull back when things get real.

At the start of a relationship, these traits might seem minor or even excusable. Maybe you tell yourself they’re just busy, they’ve had a hard day, or they’ll open up once they feel more comfortable. But over time, these behaviors reveal deeper patterns of unavailability.

Why We Overlook the Red Flags

Recognizing these behaviors can feel like a revelation, but seeing them in hindsight often comes with frustration: Why didn’t I see it sooner? The answer lies in the patterns we developed in childhood to cope with inconsistent or conditional love.

As children, we learn to adapt to our environment. If love felt unpredictable—one moment available, the next withheld—we internalized beliefs to make sense of that experience. These beliefs might include:

“Love is something you earn by being good or giving enough.”
“If someone pulls away, I just need to try harder to win them back.”
“This is normal; this is how relationships work.”

These beliefs can blind us to red flags, making unavailable partners seem appealing. It’s not that we don’t see the signs—it’s that part of us feels drawn to them because they reflect the patterns we know. And because they feel familiar, we ignore the discomfort, telling ourselves that this time it will be different. And… if you’re comfortable with that, it could be a sign of your own vulnerability around feeling unsafe and wanting to avoid rejection. Hear me out…

Turning the Lens Inward: The Real Shift

The game-changer in my own journey—and the work I do with clients—was realizing that these patterns weren’t just about them. I had to ask myself:

Why do I keep choosing people who can’t show up for me?
What’s happening in me that feels comfort in their unavailability?

It was a painful realization, but it was also freeing. I saw how my own walls—fear of being fully seen, fear of abandonment—were keeping me stuck. I wasn’t just choosing unavailable partners; I was showing up as unavailable, too.

The good news? You can change this. When you stop settling for crumbs and start addressing the patterns within yourself, everything shifts.

Steps to Break Free and Choose Differently

Breaking free doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s absolutely possible with small, intentional steps.

Awareness Is Key
Start by noticing your patterns.

What types of people are you drawn to?
How do you respond to behaviors like breadcrumbing or ghosting?
What beliefs about yourself might be driving these choices?

This isn’t about blame—it’s about understanding. Awareness is the foundation of change.

Get Clear on Your Non-Negotiables
Before you even start dating, define what you truly want in a relationship. This clarity helps you spot red flags early and decide whether someone aligns with your values.

Ask yourself:

What does emotional availability look like to me?
What are my non-negotiable values in a partner?

When you notice a behavior that doesn’t align, pause. Don’t ignore it or make excuses. Instead, communicate directly and give them the opportunity to address it. If they can’t, you’ll have the clarity to walk away early rather than getting deeper into a relationship that isn’t right for you.

Learn to Trust Your Intuition
Your gut often picks up on red flags before your mind does. If something feels off—if their actions don’t match their words or you’re left feeling unsure—pay attention. Trusting your intuition is an act of self-worth.
Build Self-Worth Through Action
Your worth isn’t something you “find”—it’s something you build. Each time you set a boundary, speak up, or walk away from something that doesn’t serve you, you strengthen your sense of self-worth.
Honor Your Inner Child, Lead with Your Adult Self
Recognize that the strategies you’ve used in the past—over-giving, staying silent—were brilliant tools to protect you as a child. But now, as an adult, you have the power to choose differently.

Embracing the Love You Deserve

The love you’re longing for isn’t out of reach—it’s closer than you think. But it starts with you. By showing up authentically, setting boundaries, and believing in your worth, you create the space for real, fulfilling love to enter your life.

When you begin to choose differently—recognizing red flags early, setting boundaries, and trusting your gut—you start to attract partners who are ready to meet you where you are. And the ones who aren’t? You’ll have the confidence to walk away, knowing you’re not losing love but making room for something better.

Let’s Take This Journey Together

If you’re ready to explore these patterns more deeply and take the first steps toward the love you deserve, let’s connect. Visit LeilaReyes.com to learn more about my workshops, programs, and resources.

Your next chapter is waiting—and it’s filled with the kind of love that sees and honors the real you. Let’s take this journey together.

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How Divorce and Global Warming are Connected

I was talking with one of my clients in an off-scheduled call during my morning yoga routine. She was distraught with emotion and we started making the analogy of how divorce can be described through weather patterns. We have EARTHQUAKES! This is the initial shock that rocks our foundation, destroying what we’ve grown and built over the years. We don’t know how much damage there is until we get underneath the structure. Sometimes the structure can be rebuilt, and others it needs to be completely torn down or abandoned. What do we learn from the earthquake? The importance of a strong foundation that is built on honest and open communication, and true intimacy and vulnerability. We learn the importance of creating a partnership from a foundation of shared values, hopes, and dreams. We learn the importance of knowing ourselves deeply before getting into a relationship in the first place. We learn the dangers of building our foundation on denial, resentments, and withheld communications. We have TORNADOS! These are the emotions that rip through us leaving us in a pile of rubble and not knowing how to clean up the mess. Sometimes, we don’t even know where to start. This is when we need to call in Red Cross! Get help from people who know the terrain and has access to the federal emergency fund. This is where you employ the support of friends to hold you when you cry and therapists, and coaches who have your back and help you navigate the emotional waters of divorce so you come out the other side empowered and ready to move on with confidence. While grief is anything but linear, we’re highly trained and have experience and expertise in helping you reinvent your life after divorce or breakup. We have FLOODS and Wild Winter Storms! These are the endless tears of grief that envelop us as we begin the process of letting to and accepting our loss. It can be very difficult to let go, even if we know it’s the right thing for us. We grieve the loss of an intact family, we grieve the loss of companionship, we grieve the loss of friends and family, and we grieve the loss of our hopes and dreams for a happy family. “You cannot heal what you cannot feel,” is a motto I live by. While denial is an active component of the 5 stages of grief that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified, sweeping your feelings under the rug or pretending you’re okay will only prolong the grieving process. Your birthright is to feel! While it may seem you will go out of control or that you will go so deep you won’t come back, if you give yourself permission to feel fully, then you will come out the other side feeling cleansed and renewed – just like the day after a huge thunderstorm. If you’ve ever been in one, you know the quality of freshness and aliveness is tangible – and delicious! We have GLOBAL WARMING! – more commonly known as Hot Flashes! Yes, divorce is compounded when you’re in your forties and fifties because many of us question our attractiveness and F*#%ability. We question our value and ability to attract a partner. Our bodies are changing! Our emotions and even our sleep patterns are affected by menopause. A friend of mine said that menopause means, MEN – o – PAUSE – and while she claims it’s a time to take a pause from men, I say it’s a time to Reclaim Yourself! Pay attention to the interconnectedness of your inner and outer experiences. Take the time to delve deeply into your belief system and become internally referenced. Let go of patterns of self-sabotage, limiting beliefs, and ways of thinking, and embrace your authentic core essence of who you are! We have the RAINBOW! Divorce is the perfect catastrophic life event to give birth to yourself! It’s a golden opportunity to learn who you are and to commit to a consciously created life of your choosing. There is life beyond divorce, and more often than not the struggles immediately following a divorce can bring you a better life. Imagine the rainbow and remember the promise of hope and renewal of life after the destruction! You can do it! You will get through it! And you don’t have to do it alone! This is where Spiritual Divorce and my Reclaim Yourself After Divorce process help. First Spiritual Divorce helps remove the layers of shame and guilt as you learn and integrate universal spiritual laws that heal your heart and empower you to move on with confidence. After you complete the one-on-one intensive Spiritual Divorce process or an online Study of Spiritual Divorce, then you can being the Reclaim Yourself Process and fall in love with yourself, regain your confidence, grow your self-esteem, and become the beloved you want to partner with. Take your Reclaim Yourself After Divorce Assessment and schedule and take your first steps toward the pot of gold!
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How to Bring Your Sexy Back After Divorce

If you’re like most people, divorce has shaken your confidence to the core, leaving you feeling anything but desirable. Sexy isn’t about the shape you’re in or the clothes you wear. It’s definitely not about what someone told you or what anyone else thinks. Sexy is all about cultivating a mindset where you’re steeped in your own juiciness. Feeling sexy is an inside-out job, not an outside-in job. Here are three quick practices to help you cultivate a sexy mindset so you can learn how to be sexy no matter what is happening in your life. Read 3 go-to tips to bring your sexy back on my article at Your Tango!
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Resentment or Righteous Anger: How to Know the Difference

Difficult Emotions when you move on after divorce Who hasn’t gone through a breakup and felt angry, marginalized, or powerless? Divorce can often act as a catalyst for regaining lost power, but difficult and confusion emotions can complicate the process. As conscious as we want to consider ourselves, it is actually quite common to fall into the trap of trying to regain our power through manipulation and control. You need to know where you stand, in yourself, to be able to wield your anger in constructive and empowered ways. The First Step is Knowing the Difference between resentment and righteous anger! When your anger is a result of resentment, then you can be sure that you feel unsettled inside, but when your anger is the result of taking a stand, then you will experience a sense of calm – even when you might not get what you want! Here are some ways to recognize the difference: RESENTMENT Resentment is a result of not taking care of yourself, and expecting others to give you what you want even though you haven’t directly asked for it. Feelings of resentment are common in a breakup because they build over time. In the beginning, you might have an expectation that your partner will say or do something and when they don’t live up to your expectation, then you feel let down or a little angry. Burying the little feeling is like planting a seed that eventually turns into a garden of resentment. Over time, you will discover little ‘volunteer’ plants of resentment where you didn’t expect them.When you feel resentment, you will have an experience of wanting to get back at your partner (or ex), to hurt them in some way, or “make them pay” for what they’ve done (or not done). Once you’ve made it to the point of divorce, it’s much more difficult to pull the weeds of resentment, but you can do it. I’m not here to say it’s an easy task, but I guarantee you that the work you do around releasing your resentment will help you regain your power and leave you feeling the peace of mind you so desperately want to experience. RIGHTEOUS ANGER Righteous anger is different than the anger that comes from resentment, because you’re putting your stake in the ground and letting others know what your boundary is. The way to express righteous anger is to know yourself deeply and know where you stand, so you recognize when a boundary has been crossed. Regaining your power after divorce or breakup is sacred work and in the process you will discover that many of the choices you made did not serve you. In this recognition you can stop blaming your ex and start giving yourself what you need. You’re not always going to get what you want. You may have to fight for your rights, and as you stand up for yourself from an empowered, matter-of-fact knowing, then you will be able to release your resentments gradually and naturally. It’s not about “Right” and “Wrong” We tend to look at things from our own perspectives, so don’t get caught up in believing that your righteous anger is about you being right and your partner being wrong. There is no right and wrong thinking that will bring you peace. EVER! In the knowing of who you are, you can make decisions that are ‘right’ for you and you may take other people into consideration when making your choices. What you must know is the difference between the actions you take that are from resentment or righteous anger so you don’t make a bigger mess of things, because divorce and breakups are messy. Some suggestions: As you move on after divorce or breakup, it is important to own your feelings! Know yourself and the pain you’re in and take responsibility for your part of the co-creation of your current circumstances. Don’t blame anyone else for not getting what you want. Instead vision the life you want and make choices that lead you toward peace and happiness. Set and maintain clear boundaries with yourself and others, and above all else: Take care of yourself as if you were one of the top 3 most important people in your life. COMMENTS Please! (I’ll respond!) Leave your comments below, by answering one of the following inquiries: What are your top resentments are and your struggles for releasing them as you move on after divorce or breakup? Describe what you’re doing to hold on to or let go of your resentments. What stand do you need to take? How will you commit to taking really good care of yourself this week?
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Breakup Music Playlist

Music as a self-care practice! Music is an important part of our lives, isn’t it? There are certain songs that take us back to a specific time of our lives, like our teen years, or an event, like our wedding day. My ex-brother and sister-in-law got married to the Beatles song, “Will You Still Love Me When I’m 64?” They’re still together. I should have known where my marriage was headed when my husband asked the mariachis to serenade us with, “El Asesino, which, in Spanish, means The Murderer (in case you were wondering). Oh, that should have been a red flag that I was creating my break up music playlist. And today it makes sense that one of my favorite songs to listen to several years into our marriage was Willie Nelson’s Country & Western hit, “You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille.” I hadn’t been happy for a long time. Music connects the head and heart! After I left my marriage, I listened to a lot of music that was heart-opening, like “Ra Ma Da Sa” by Snatam Kaur. I was very intentional listening as I engaged in my Kundalini yoga practice. And then I listened incessantly to Michael Franti. I resonated with songs like “Hey World (Don’t give Up), ” because I felt like my world was a war zone. It gave me hope and I felt like I was asking the Universe to not give up on me -personally! Oh, and I learned to drum – it was like listening to my own heartbeat that I had lost touch with. A few years later, my lover turned me onto Prog, and the musical bars were raised! Listen to Spock’s Beard’s masterpiece, “The Doorway.” Isn’t it beautiful? Listening to this can you see how relationships can serve as a catalyst for our evolution? A doorway to knowing ourselves more deeply… Music can be irreverent! But, that’s fun! I love empowering music, and one of my favorite singer/songwriters is Storm Large. She’s not for everyone, but she tells it like it is and she says things the most of us would never dare speak out loud. Like this inappropriate song called, “I Want You to Die!” It is appropriate however for the angry hurt moments…. She’s a powerhouse who has lived through abuse, neglect, and depression. I love her! And have seen her in concert a couple of times. She has a wide range and is comfortable performing in jeans and a t-shirt or a fancy gown, like when she played Carnegie Hall. I personally think every woman should know Storm. You can check out her racy music, I’ll just share a mild one here that is perfect for getting over someone. Here’s Storm’s version of “Hopelessly Devoted To You.” Let’s Co-Create a Playlist! Now it’s your turn? Share your EMPOWERMENT music here! What are some fabulous songs, artists, genres you listen to?
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The Law of Forgiveness

On Self-growth.com, Amanda Butler discusses this universal law in detail. The most powerful reason to forgive is for your own freedom. I’ve often heard Debbie Ford say, “forgiveness takes place in your heart, not your mind,” and it’s so true. This Spiritual Law often takes a little extra time to integrate, especially when deep betrayal is involved. It is empowering to know that once you have fully integrated the Law of Forgiveness, you will be free from the past and ready to move completely into a future that you create for yourself. Forgiving can be difficult, but it’s necessary to forgive so you can live your life. Here’s an extreme example: I was touched very deeply by Azim Khamiza, who practices The Law of Forgiveness every day. In 1995, his son Tariq Khamiza lost his life to a gang-related murder. Azim shares how holding resentment takes up precious space in our minds. This is true for all situations. If we are holding onto resentment, the person we hurt the most is ourselves. In forgiving, Azim has been able to create a foundation that educates and empowers. What will you be able to create through your forgiveness? What could you do with all that resentment that you hold for someone you once loved? or for someone who has hurt you? Here’s some more… In this short video, you see how forgiveness can benefit all of humanity. You might have to look a little, or should I say–open your heart, to see the possibilities resulting from your forgiveness. It may not be this dramatic, but your forgiveness will change your world. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Forgiveness | My Heart Heals.
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