Here’s what I wish I had known then:
These reactions were not FLAWS in me; they were protective mechanisms my mind and body developed to survive.
Maybe you know this feeling too—the tug between wanting closeness but fearing that if you truly let someone in, they might not stay or, worse, might hurt you. Or perhaps you feel exhausted by patterns that repeat themselves, like attracting unavailable partners who echo the inconsistency and conditional love that defined your early years. If any of this resonates, know that you’re not alone, and you’re not flawed for feeling this way. You are responding in the best way you know how, given what you’ve been through.
The Burden of Self-Blame and the Path to Compassion
One of the hardest parts of my healing was recognizing and challenging the deep-seated belief that somehow, I didn’t deserve love. This belief wasn’t a conscious choice—it was a survival response to a world that felt unsafe and unkind. It’s common for survivors of CSA to feel unworthy, even repelled by the thought of unconditional love. We learn to accept the love we think we deserve, and often, that means tolerating relationships that don’t nourish us.
The journey toward self-compassion is perhaps the most radical thing we can do. It’s about looking at ourselves through a lens that sees the innocence and vulnerability that we may have been forced to bury. And yes, it’s possible, even if it feels distant. I’ve witnessed transformations that start with just a single, small shift—a moment of kindness toward oneself, a moment of patience where we allow ourselves to not have it all together. For survivors, self-compassion is about learning that we are worthy of the same tenderness we offer others. It’s a courageous act to say,
“I deserve to be loved as I am, without conditions or performance.”
Letting Go of the Patterns that Keep Us Stuck
When I first started realizing how these old wounds were playing out in my adult relationships, I felt a wave of sadness. I saw the ways I’d repeated the past, choosing partners who mirrored the emotional unavailability I’d experienced as a child. I would hold onto relationships, hoping that this time, someone would prove that I was worth choosing. But each time I clung to this idea, I was ultimately choosing to stay in a dynamic that reaffirmed my deepest fears.
Healing doesn’t mean we suddenly “get it right” in our relationships, but it does mean we start seeing these patterns for what they are—wounds in need of healing, not definitions of who we are. And as we become aware of these patterns, we can begin choosing differently, one step at a time. We learn to trust ourselves, even if it means facing discomfort, because self-trust opens doors that we’ve kept locked, perhaps for a very long time.
A Space for Connection and Healing
As I share these stories and reflections with you, I invite you to join me in the first episode of the podcast, where I go even deeper into how CSA shapes our adult relationships and how we can begin to break free. There’s something powerful in hearing these truths spoken aloud, in allowing yourself to listen and maybe even relate. It’s a reminder that we don’t have to carry this alone; healing happens in connection, in knowing there’s someone out there who understands.
In this episode, I talk about practical steps for recognizing these patterns and gently releasing them. I also discuss the importance of finding safe, supportive relationships—whether that’s with friends, therapists, or communities like this one. The act of surrounding ourselves with people who genuinely see and honor us can be incredibly healing. It’s about creating a space where our experiences are validated, where we can begin to rebuild trust in ourselves and others.
There’s More to the Story: You Are More Than Your Trauma
Let me share something I hold close to my heart: CSA may be a chapter in your story, but it’s not the whole book. For years, I let it define me, believing I was broken and that relationships were too painful to endure. But as I took steps to heal, I began to see that while trauma shapes us, it doesn’t have to confine us. We can reclaim our narratives and decide what we want moving forward. Healing is about recognizing the strength it took to survive and allowing ourselves to move beyond mere survival.
Reclaiming your story might feel daunting, but it’s the most empowering thing you can do. And as I share in my book Freedom from Shame, healing isn’t about forgetting or dismissing the past—it’s about rewriting our role in the present. It’s about seeing ourselves as resilient and whole, not in spite of our wounds but because of them.
The Invitation to Take a Step Forward
If what I’m sharing resonates with you, I encourage you to listen to this episode of the podcast. Take it as a small step toward honoring yourself. Let’s walk through this together. There’s power in understanding our past, in connecting the dots between early pain and present struggles. But even more, there’s power in knowing that we can choose a different path forward.
Thank you for spending this time with me, for allowing yourself to explore these sensitive but essential parts of your story. Remember, your journey doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be honest. If you feel called to go deeper, I’m here, and there are countless others who have walked a similar path, ready to walk alongside you.
And finally, know that you deserve relationships that honor your whole self—relationships that are nourishing, healing, and true to who you are. It’s within reach, and each step, each small act of compassion, brings you closer to the connection and love you truly deserve.
