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Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential for everyone healing from childhood sexual abuse. Understanding the importance of boundaries and learning how to set

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June 13, 2024

From Trauma to True Love: Finding Freedom from the Impact of Sexual Abuse, is my podcast inspired by my book, “Freedom from Shame.”

I invite you to join a space dedicated to healing, compassion, and triumphing over trauma. In each episode, our discussions, rooted in the wisdom of my book, create a groundbreaking environment for survivors, allies, mental health advocates, and even those who have caused harm, to navigate the complexities of the healing process. Through candid conversations, expert interviews, and personal narratives, we illuminate the intricacies of childhood trauma and it’s impact on our adult relationships, weaving in the principles of restorative justice to foster understanding, empathy, and constructive dialogue.

From Trauma to True Love is more than just a podcast; it stands as a sanctuary of support, guidance, and hope for those touched by the shadows of this deeply sensitive and impactful issue including individuals on all sides of the healing process. It serves as a beacon, providing a roadmap for resilience and the journey to reclaim one’s life after such profoundly impactful experiences. Join me in this transformative journey toward reclaiming lives together.

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Take a look at my recommended reading list for the best books on personal growth, child behavior, and emotional healing. You can also check out The Freedom Project, a heart-led initiative that’s all about bringing people together to evolve beyond the impact of childhood sexual abuse.

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  • Protecting your heart is a normal & natural thing to do! But it won’t get you what you want. One of the first things to happen when you go through a breakup or divorce is: you hurt like a #($*%. The pain can cut through you like a hot knife leaving you gasping for air. The normal human reaction to pain is to protect yourself. But unconscious protecting of your heart will leave you feeling alone and miserable. At its worst, it will deaden your spirit. As a result, you may feel disconnected from the very things you most want: love, partnership, connection, to not be alone. It’s very common to commit to never loving again because of how deeply you’ve been hurt. Here are 3 essential divorce care tips designed to protect your heart and keep it open. These tips act as crucial divorce care tips to protect your heart during the healing journey. Building resilience after setback helps you face these challenges with inner strength, regain trust in yourself, and navigate the healing process with clarity and self‑compassion. Step 1 -Stop Pointing your Finger! Protections like anger, blame, and resentment, are a few of the walls we erect to protect our hearts. We think these protections keep us safe, but they don’t really work. We mistakenly think that someone has to be responsible for what went wrong. As a result, we either blame the other person or we beat ourselves up without mercy. During this time, consider some proven divorce care tips to protect your heart. Doing so can reduce resentment and self-blame. What’s really happening if you’re blaming your ex for the pain you’re in is that you’re unconsciously directing responsibility for the breakup away from yourself. If they did something that was really awful, then it’s easy to point your finger and say, “It’s all your fault!” It’s no different than self-blame, except that you’re unconsciously taking all the responsibility. If you’re a self-blamer, then you’re saying things like, “If only I did _____ differently,” or “If only I was better at______.” Either way, the first step is to cease and desist all blame – inbound or outbound. What if it didn’t really matter whose fault it was? What if you could take responsibility for your part without blame? What if you didn’t take responsibility for the parts that aren’t yours-without pointing your finger? The result will be a conscious awareness of what you and your ex co-created – together! Your breakup wouldn’t be happening if only one of you was in the relationship. While it may still be painful to look at your breakup in this way, you must take responsibility without blame if you want to protect your heart. Then you can keep it open for future love. Learn more about Spiritual Divorce ™ and the Law of Responsibility. Step 2 – Be Ruthlessly Compassionate! You can’t keep your heart open and protect it without a huge dose of compassion as you look at yourself and your part of the breakup. You may be tempted to circle back to the blame. Instead, take a breath and tell yourself that you’re okay and you did the best you could at the time. Be firm with yourself and don’t go into beating yourself up. If you do have an over-powering inner-critic, send him or her away for a vacation – they need a break! You will need to be able to be gentle with yourself as you notice your relationship patterns. It’s also worth mentioning that divorce care tips for protecting your heart must always incorporate compassion for full recovery. Step 3 – Identify Your Red Flags! The information you discover from taking responsibility without blame will likely illuminate the choices you made that led to your breakup. If you’re completely honest with yourself, you will likely notice that you avoided something that you shouldn’t have avoided by sweeping it under the carpet. Maybe you didn’t speak up or you ignored signs of cheating, maybe you weren’t really happy but stayed for the kids. Give yourself permission to find your red flags, because they are your gold mine. Your red flags are what you will use to keep your heart open and safe at the same time. By addressing red flags as they come up, you will build a trusting relationship with yourself. As a result, you can count on yourself to make conscious relationship choices. In summary, as you continue healing, implement carefully chosen divorce care tips. These will help protect your heart at each step. Need Support and divorce care? Learn the 7 Spiritual Laws in an 8-week Study & Support Group If you just haven’t been able to get through your pain, then I’d like to invite you to join me in a study of Debbie Ford’s Spiritual Divorce and get divorce care and support in our interactive online group. For extra help, remember that strategies such as divorce care tips to protect your heart are available and effective. Use the above link to get more information or email me to sign up for the 8-week support group starting soon. You’re going to be okay!

  • “The way we feel about our [DIVORCE] is a result of the interpretations we have made.” Rebuilding after divorce is a journey where there is no other truth more powerful than knowing you have the power to choose how you interpret the painful events of your life! When you choose to look at your divorce as a catastrophic event or a catalyst for an even better life, then you are choosing to focus on an outcome that you are likely to manifest. This fact can be devastating or empowering, and you get to choose that too! Part of that journey includes understanding the ABCs of breaking up, which offers insight into the emotional stages and inner dynamics of separation so you can rebuild with clarity and self‑compassion. Even quantum physics says nothing is created until it is first thought of in the mind. With this as a guiding principle, it is very important to become aware of our thoughts and the choices we are making, because within these interpretations we create our reality! Your life tomorrow will be the result of the interpretations you’re making today! Build a strong foundation! I know of very few experiences that throw people off more than a relationship crisis. Rebuilding life after a divorce isn’t a cakewalk. Whether it’s a betrayal, death, or divorce (which feels like a death), you must rebuild from the ground up! Your interpretations of your circumstances are your foundation. Imagine rebuilding your life on the following beliefs (which are very common, so don’t feel bad if you’re feeling this): I’m a failure I’m going to be alone forever I’m worthless I’ll never have the relationship I want, so I might as well settle for what I have What do you think you will create if you approach your future with those thoughts? Now, I’m not saying to pretend you’re not having these thoughts when you are. I’m saying that these are ONLY thoughts and interpretations of the reasons for your loss, and you do have the power to choose your beliefs. This is a very important distinction and can change your life, so bear with me. Rebuilding after an unsettling divorce is absolutely necessary! What if you built your foundation on these thoughts: It’s obvious that there’s something better for me, or this wouldn’t be happening to me. I am worthy of copious amounts of love, respect, and care so obviously I need to move on from this relationship, because, if I’m not getting what I need here I need to make myself available for it somewhere else. I am so excited to meet the next love of my life because it only gets better from here. A belief that “I am not ever going to find another partner”, will leave you with a willingness to settle for less from your current partner (or other people in your life). The mindset that you won’t get what you want compels you to give in to fears of taking risks… of letting go… or of being alone… You get to choose in each moment! I am guilty of making negative interpretations as much as the next. It’s okay as long as we recognize that we are creating through our thoughts, words, and actions – and get the support we need to take the risks that will evolve us to the next level of co-creation. When you recognize you’re making negative interpretations, then simply stop. Consciously choose an interpretation that empowers you to move forward in rebuilding a life after divorce that you can be excited about. Three Steps to a strong foundation! Alright, this could take some time because the old way of interpreting what is happing in your life could be like digging out the old footings that held your old foundation up, but you need an upgrade Baby! Be patient, compassionate, and gentle with yourself as you learn to choose an empowered perspective for your circumstances. Try these three simple steps: Write down all the negative interpretations about your life, your partner, your work, etc. Yup! Get it ALL out, and don’t hold back because your empowered future depends on this! Make a list of alternate (empowered) interpretations for each one. Write a note to yourself that says: “What is an empowered interpretation?” each time you find yourself thinking of a negative interpretation. You can read about the Law of Choice in Debbie Ford’s book, Spiritual Divorce, or you can sign up here to receive information for my next online group study of Spiritual Divorce, so you can implement powerful spiritual laws of divorce in the presence of an online community and Spiritual Divorce coach.

  • Understanding why connection matters after divorce is crucial for personal healing and growth. Many who find themselves struggling often ask why connection matters after divorce. What does the Research Show? Over a decade of research confirms two of my 7-key practices as necessary for living a happy and fulfilling life after divorce. Watch this TED Talk by Brené Brown regularly to remind yourself that you are in control of how you experience life. Even as your life seems to be unraveling completely out of control, you have power. Implement these practices from my PDF Report and you will shorten your healing process – guaranteed! Why is Divorce so Painful? Science shows that our brains are wired for CONNECTION. When we experience a divorce, so many connections are severed. This highlights why connection matters after divorce. We no longer have a partner to sleep next to or share the successes and challenges our daily life brings. The connections we have in our social circles change. We no longer share dinner parties or vacations or holidays with the same people. It’s quite common to feel like we no longer belong. Science confirms what I have seen working with hundreds of clients going through divorce. Some of the deepest pain we experience is when we feel disconnected. Why do we allow ourselves to isolate? My research shows that 85% of people going through divorce isolate themselves from community, family, and friends. They speak of not wanting anyone to know what they are going through because they feel ashamed of being divorced. The resulting experience is that they feel alone and disconnected from possibilities. Clearly understanding the importance of connection post-divorce is essential to breaking this cycle. A decade of scientific research supports my findings that shame is the reason we isolate ourselves and hide what’s really going on. This only prolongs our suffering! What is shame? Brene’ Brown describes it as: The fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection? ~Brene’ Brown Brene’ goes on to explain that the underneath shame is a sense of not being good enough. Beneath this surface, she says is an ‘excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.” It’s normal to worry about what people think! Not one person I’ve worked with hasn’t had a sense of fear about what people think about them. But in terms of being happy, it’s wasted energy that is counter-productive to rebuilding a life for yourself after divorce. Understanding why maintaining connections is important after divorce helps find your way back into connection. If you are withholding how you’re really feeling and what is really going on with you, then it’s likely you are experiencing shame. Your sense of worthiness is compromised. When you lack a sense of worthiness of receiving love and belonging, then you will isolate yourself as a protection. But, that will never give you what you really want, which research shows is connection. You must attend to your sense of Worthiness! In over six years of collecting stories, conducting interviews, and heading focus groups, researcher Brene’ Brown discovered that There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it… the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy… the thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we’re not worthy of connection… After a divorce or breakup, our sense of worthiness may be shaken or it may be that a deeper wounding around our worthiness is spotlighted. If there is one thing that I’ve noticed that can change your life faster, it is to develop your sense of worthiness to, not only have love and belonging, but to create a better life for yourself beyond your loss. Let yourself be Courageous! Courage is the one quality that needs to be cultivated when moving on after a divorce so you can experience connection, highlighting why post-divorce connection is crucial. Brence’s research shows that those with a sense of courage are those that have a strong sense of love and belonging. Courage, as Brene’ explains, is “to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart [and to have] the compassion to be kind to [yourself] first and then to others [because] we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.” Telling the story of who you are with your whole heart requires you to be vulnerable and honest with others about what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. It requires you to be real and raw. When my clients are vulnerable with me, I make sure they know how beautiful they are in their vulnerability. I also make sure they know how deeply connected I feel to them because of them sharing authentically. How can you create connection? There are numerous things you can do to alleviate your suffering and many of them are going to be directly related to your willingness to be vulnerable and create meaningful connections with people. Here are some suggestions: Share authentically with people about what is going on with you, demonstrating why connection matters after divorce. Tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Don’t worry about being rejected and don’t let perceived rejection stop you or inhibit you. The depth of connection you will make will be worth it. Stop complaining about everything and everyone you’ve lost and get your butt out there and meet new people. Be real with them too! Work with me to develop your sense of worthiness! Share your thoughts and *vulnerable* experience here! One way to connect is to leave a comment. Share from your heart. What are your struggles? What are your hopes and dreams for your future?   Explore Our read more…

  • The Law of Creation frees you to consciously step out of self-imposed limitations and into the infinite wonder of what is possible for your life. When you have integrated the other six spiritual laws, you will be well on your way to a healed heart and in the perfect position to go for what you desire. Once you have forgiven and broken the painful ties that bind you to the past, you will be in the perfect place to create from clear ground. You deserve to be free from the pain of the past and to live with an open, loving, and trusting heart. It may be hard work for you, but I guarantee you that if you make the commitment to heal your heart, it will be well worth it. Understanding the law of creation can guide you in this process. If you were standing on a blank canvas, what would you create? AN EXERCISE Give yourself a little time to dream. Before you begin this 10-15 minute journaling exercise, clear your mind of all limitations. If you notice doubt or fear creep in, just ask it to sit aside for your journal time. Use the following prompts to imagine what you would create: If your heart were completely healed, what would you be able to have in your life? Consider how the principles of creation law might affect this. What is it that you would be able to do that you haven’t been able to do up to now? Where would you live? work? What new things would you try? A new hobby? Would you take up an activity that you haven’t participated in for years? How might you look at the world differently, in accordance with creation law? If you had the feeling in your heart that you were unstoppable, what actions would you take this week? What old grudges would you drop? What fears would you let go of? If there were no limitations, what would your life look like? Once you’ve written for about 15 minutes, fold the piece of paper up and place it under your pillow. Read it every night for a week. Feel free to add to it or update it as you re-read it. Let the good feelings build in you as you commit to creating what you want for your life, guided by the ideas behind the law of creation. Share with me what you discovered about your desires through embracing the principles of creation law. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Creation | My Heart Heals.

  • Music as a self-care practice! Music is an important part of our lives, isn’t it? There are certain songs that take us back to a specific time of our lives, like our teen years, or an event, like our wedding day. Just like a breakup music playlist can help us heal, my ex-brother and sister-in-law got married to the Beatles song, “Will You Still Love Me When I’m 64?” They’re still together. Creating a breakup music playlist can aid in processing emotions during tough times. I should have known where my marriage was headed when my husband asked the mariachis to serenade us with, “El Asesino”, which, in Spanish, means The Murderer (in case you were wondering). Oh, that should have been a red flag that I was creating my breakup music playlist. And today it makes sense that one of my favorite songs to listen to several years into our marriage was Willie Nelson’s Country & Western hit, “You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille.” I hadn’t been happy for a long time. Music connects the head and heart! After I left my marriage, I listened to a lot of music that was heart-opening, like “Ra Ma Da Sa” by Snatam Kaur. I was very intentional listening as I engaged in my Kundalini yoga practice. A breakup music playlist often includes songs like these to open the heart and heal. And then I listened incessantly to Michael Franti. I resonated with songs like “Hey World (Don’t give Up),” because I felt like my world was a war zone. It gave me hope and I felt like I was asking the Universe to not give up on me -personally! Oh, and I learned to drum – it was like listening to my own heartbeat that I had lost touch with. A few years later, my lover turned me onto Prog, and the musical bars were raised! Listen to Spock’s Beard’s masterpiece, “The Doorway.” Isn’t it beautiful? Listening to this, can you see how relationships can serve as a catalyst for our evolution? Creating and curating a breakup music playlist can provide a doorway to knowing ourselves more deeply. Music can be irreverent! But, that’s fun! I love empowering music, and one of my favorite singer/songwriters is Storm Large. She’s not for everyone, but she tells it like it is and she says things that most of us would never dare speak out loud. Like this inappropriate song called, “I Want You to Die!” It is appropriate, however, for the angry hurt moments…. She’s a powerhouse who has lived through abuse, neglect, and depression. I love her! And have seen her in concert a couple of times. She has a wide range and is comfortable performing in jeans and a t-shirt or a fancy gown, like when she played Carnegie Hall. I personally think every woman should know Storm. You can check out her racy music, I’ll just share a mild one here that is perfect for getting over someone. The song could fit perfectly on a breakup music playlist. Here’s Storm’s version of “Hopelessly Devoted To You.” Let’s Co-Create a Playlist! Now it’s your turn? Share your EMPOWERMENT music here! What are some fabulous songs, artists, and genres you listen to? Perhaps you have your favorites for building a breakup music playlist?

Leila Reyes

Author | Speaker | Relationship Coach

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