How Early Trauma Seeps into Our Relationships

When I reflect on my early childhood experiences, I see just how much my past shaped how I connected with others. The need to protect myself felt almost like a reflex—I’d put up walls to keep from getting hurt, yet those same walls kept love out too. I struggled with an intense fear of abandonment, clinging to the hope that if I was “enough,” I wouldn’t be left.

Here’s what I wish I had known then:  

These reactions were not FLAWS in me; they were protective mechanisms my mind and body developed to survive.

Maybe you know this feeling too—the tug between wanting closeness but fearing that if you truly let someone in, they might not stay or, worse, might hurt you. Or perhaps you feel exhausted by patterns that repeat themselves, like attracting unavailable partners who echo the inconsistency and conditional love that defined your early years. If any of this resonates, know that you’re not alone, and you’re not flawed for feeling this way. You are responding in the best way you know how, given what you’ve been through.

The Burden of Self-Blame and the Path to Compassion

One of the hardest parts of my healing was recognizing and challenging the deep-seated belief that somehow, I didn’t deserve love. This belief wasn’t a conscious choice—it was a survival response to a world that felt unsafe and unkind. It’s common for survivors of CSA to feel unworthy, even repelled by the thought of unconditional love. We learn to accept the love we think we deserve, and often, that means tolerating relationships that don’t nourish us.

The journey toward self-compassion is perhaps the most radical thing we can do. It’s about looking at ourselves through a lens that sees the innocence and vulnerability that we may have been forced to bury. And yes, it’s possible, even if it feels distant. I’ve witnessed transformations that start with just a single, small shift—a moment of kindness toward oneself, a moment of patience where we allow ourselves to not have it all together. For survivors, self-compassion is about learning that we are worthy of the same tenderness we offer others. It’s a courageous act to say,

“I deserve to be loved as I am, without conditions or performance.”

Letting Go of the Patterns that Keep Us Stuck

When I first started realizing how these old wounds were playing out in my adult relationships, I felt a wave of sadness. I saw the ways I’d repeated the past, choosing partners who mirrored the emotional unavailability I’d experienced as a child. I would hold onto relationships, hoping that this time, someone would prove that I was worth choosing. But each time I clung to this idea, I was ultimately choosing to stay in a dynamic that reaffirmed my deepest fears.

Healing doesn’t mean we suddenly “get it right” in our relationships, but it does mean we start seeing these patterns for what they are—wounds in need of healing, not definitions of who we are. And as we become aware of these patterns, we can begin choosing differently, one step at a time. We learn to trust ourselves, even if it means facing discomfort, because self-trust opens doors that we’ve kept locked, perhaps for a very long time.

A Space for Connection and Healing

As I share these stories and reflections with you, I invite you to join me in the first episode of the podcast, where I go even deeper into how CSA shapes our adult relationships and how we can begin to break free. There’s something powerful in hearing these truths spoken aloud, in allowing yourself to listen and maybe even relate. It’s a reminder that we don’t have to carry this alone; healing happens in connection, in knowing there’s someone out there who understands.

In this episode, I talk about practical steps for recognizing these patterns and gently releasing them. I also discuss the importance of finding safe, supportive relationships—whether that’s with friends, therapists, or communities like this one. The act of surrounding ourselves with people who genuinely see and honor us can be incredibly healing. It’s about creating a space where our experiences are validated, where we can begin to rebuild trust in ourselves and others.

There’s More to the Story: You Are More Than Your Trauma

Let me share something I hold close to my heart: CSA may be a chapter in your story, but it’s not the whole book. For years, I let it define me, believing I was broken and that relationships were too painful to endure. But as I took steps to heal, I began to see that while trauma shapes us, it doesn’t have to confine us. We can reclaim our narratives and decide what we want moving forward. Healing is about recognizing the strength it took to survive and allowing ourselves to move beyond mere survival.

Reclaiming your story might feel daunting, but it’s the most empowering thing you can do. And as I share in my book Freedom from Shame, healing isn’t about forgetting or dismissing the past—it’s about rewriting our role in the present. It’s about seeing ourselves as resilient and whole, not in spite of our wounds but because of them.

The Invitation to Take a Step Forward

If what I’m sharing resonates with you, I encourage you to listen to this episode of the podcast. Take it as a small step toward honoring yourself. Let’s walk through this together. There’s power in understanding our past, in connecting the dots between early pain and present struggles. But even more, there’s power in knowing that we can choose a different path forward.

Thank you for spending this time with me, for allowing yourself to explore these sensitive but essential parts of your story. Remember, your journey doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be honest. If you feel called to go deeper, I’m here, and there are countless others who have walked a similar path, ready to walk alongside you.

And finally, know that you deserve relationships that honor your whole self—relationships that are nourishing, healing, and true to who you are. It’s within reach, and each step, each small act of compassion, brings you closer to the connection and love you truly deserve.

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  • The Law of Responsibility will give you incredible freedom. This is counter-intuitive, but taking responsibility for yourself starts with acknowledging that the way your relationship looks and feels is the result of your choices. Many people point their fingers at their ex-partner and claim that ‘it’ was all their fault, while others might blame themselves. Here’s one thing we know for sure, if you blame others, you are not taking responsibility for yourself and you cannot heal and move on if you’re a victim. What does blame sound like? Internal dialogue running in the background… Does this sound familiar? It’s all my fault! I’m such a failure. If only I did it differently. If only I was prettier, nicer, sexier…. Blah, blah, blah…. He ruined my life. She betrayed me and now I’ll never trust again. Blah, blah, blah! Blaming does not serve you, and only indicates that you are in a victim mentality. With the laws of acceptance, surrender, and Divine guidance you will understand that taking responsibility is not about blaming…others or yourself. Blaming does not work. It does not change your circumstances and it does not make you feel better or motivate you to make necessary changes. Blaming your ex-partner will not bring you the peace you’re looking for. The Law of Responsibility requires that you end the blame game and take responsibility for what you’ve created. This is a hard law for many to integrate, but I can help you take this important step in healing your heart. When you take responsibility, you acknowledge how powerful you are. Be assured that as you take responsibility for what you’ve created, you will not be asked to condone inappropriate behavior or justify abuse. That is NEVER okay! Be honest with yourself! In this process, I will ask you to be brutally honest and ruthlessly compassionate with yourself. You will discover key choice points in your relationship that contributed to the necessity of a heart healing. Many people find that living The Law of Responsibility is a powerful turning point in their life, for it is in taking responsibility that you reclaim your ability to consciously create. Take responsibility Laura Silva is referring to teaching children to take responsibility for their choices. We could learn from what she teaches children. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Responsibility | My Heart Heals.

  • When I saw this video, I cried… There are certain circumstances that can knock us down. Life throws us challenges: a move to a new home; a change in career; an unexpected death in the family; an illness; a divorce. We don’t always know how to get back up after big losses, but I hope this video gives you some inspiration to do it… to get back up and move forward. Feelings like sadness, grief, disappointment, frustration, and grief can overwhelm us. I know… I’ve been there! Do You Feel Alone? Going through a major life transition often leaves us feeling alone. Well-meaning friends and family can give us wonderful support, but it’s not always what we need and we can end up feeling more alone than ever. If this is your experience, you’re not alone (no pun intended). If you’ve moved, changed your career left a relationship then you have a lot to deal with. Your surroundings may have changed. The people you trusted and counted on may not be available in the ways you need them. You might need a new support system, and that is completely and totally normal and expected! Prepare Yourself! I know it’s not as easy as saying, “Just do blah, blah, blah!” You may know what needs to change. You may know what you need to do differently, but you may not be in a position to create the pathway to a better future. The woman in the video trained to run that race. She trained to win. She had a coach. She practiced every day. Take some time and create a plan – a step-by-step plan that gets you hooked into community gets you the support you need and holds you accountable for taking decisive and strategic actions to get back on top of your life. It may be a struggle. You may get out of breath feeling overwhelmed, but you can do it. Here’s how you can reinvent yourself and move toward a better future. With each and every action you take, ask yourself, “Will this keep me stuck in the past or will it propel me to the future I desire?” Ask this question for what you believe – do you need to change your beliefs? As this question for what you tell yourself in your internal dialogue – do you need to have a strong boundary with yourself to change how you talk to yourself? Choose who you will invite in as your support team. Who are your coaches and cheerleaders? Who can you complain to that won’t let you get away with complaining, but won’t make you feel bad about yourself either? Who will hold you in your highest, hold your hand every step of the way, and hold your heart in sacred trust? I will! If you want support to reinvent yourself, schedule a complimentary 30 minute call with me here and we’ll explore how I can support you.

  • How we interpret the events in our lives determines our experience. How can this be true? Let me give you an example. My mother left when I was a teenager. She left without saying, “Goodbye.” I interpreted her leaving to mean that I was insignificant. I felt as if I didn’t matter and was unworthy of her time and attention. The belief that I created in my own mind, led to a life in which I felt very insignificant. To avoid feeling insignificant I created situations in which I was a key player. I didn’t want to feel those old wounds and so I avoided them like the plague. Unfortunately, I still felt insignificant, and nothing I could do filled the wound. The only thing that shifted my experience was integrating The Law of Choice. Once I stepped out of an automatic negatively created interpretation, I was able to consciously create an empowering interpretation of these painful events. Choosing your interpretations of the events in your life is a very powerful step toward healing your heart. There is no better way to empower yourself than to view the circumstances of your relationship from The Law of Choice. We make hundreds of choices every day. Are they conscious? You make hundreds of choices about how to spend your money. You make choices to turn left or right all day long. You choose what books to read and you choose which shows to watch on television. The amount of choice that is available to you is insurmountable. Life is a matter of choice. Why would it not be true also for your thinking? You decide what to think about what has happened to you–what it means about you. Often you look outside of yourself for what to believe about yourself and the events of your life. With the ending of a relationship, you will find yourself with a potpourri of options. You can choose to think that the ending of your relationship is the worst thing that ever happened or the best. I’d like to support you in making a powerful interpretation of the ending of your relationship. An interpretation that opens the door to a life beyond what you can currently comprehend. A life filled with peace and love and fulfillment. Choose your thoughts! I love the work of Byron Katie because she is able to zero in on how our thoughts dictate our behavior. We will either choose to think thoughts that limit us or that expand us. We will choose thoughts that empower us or disempower us. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Choice | My Heart Heals.

  • If you’re like most people, divorce has shaken your confidence to the core, leaving you feeling anything but desirable. Sexy isn’t about the shape you’re in or the clothes you wear. It’s definitely not about what someone told you or what anyone else thinks. Sexy is all about cultivating a mindset where you’re steeped in your own juiciness. Feeling sexy is an inside-out job, not an outside-in job. Here are three quick practices to help you cultivate a sexy mindset so you can learn how to be sexy no matter what is happening in your life. Read 3 go-to tips to bring your sexy back on my article at Your Tango!

  • “The way we feel about our [DIVORCE] is a result of the interpretations we have made.” There is no other truth that is more powerful than you have the power to choose how you interpret the painful events of your life! When you choose to look at your divorce as a catastrophic event or a catalyst for an even better life, then you are choosing to focus on an outcome that you are likely to manifest. This fact can be devastating or empowering, and you get to choose that too! Even quantum physics says nothing is created until it is first thought of in the mind. With this as a guiding principle, it is very important to become aware of our thoughts and the choices we are making, because within these interpretations we create our reality! Your life tomorrow will be the result of the interpretations you’re making today! Build a strong foundation! I know of very few experiences that throw people off more than a relationship crisis. Rebuilding after divorce isn’t a cakewalk. Whether it’s a betrayal, death, or divorce (which feels like a death), you must rebuild from the ground up! Your interpretations of your circumstances are your foundation. Imagine rebuilding your life on the following beliefs (which are very common, so don’t feel bad if you’re feeling this): I’m a failure I’m going to be alone forever I’m worthless I’ll never have the relationship I want, so I might as well settle for what I have What do you think you will create if you approach your future with those thoughts? Now, I’m not saying to pretend you’re not having these thoughts when you are. I’m saying that these are ONLY thoughts and interpretations of the reasons for your loss, and you do have the power to choose your beliefs. This is a very important distinction and can change your life, so bear with me. Rebuilding after divorce is absolutely necessary! What if you built your foundation on these thoughts: It’s obvious that there’s something better for me, or this wouldn’t be happening to me. I am worthy of copious amounts of love, respect, and care so obviously I need to move on from this relationship, because, if I’m not getting what I need here I need to make myself available for it somewhere else. I am so excited to meet the next love of my life because it only gets better from here. A belief that “I am not ever going to find another partner”, will leave you with a willingness to settle for less from your current partner (or other people in your life). The mindset that you won’t get what you want compels you to give in to fears of taking risks… of letting go… or of being alone… You get to choose in each moment! I am guilty of making negative interpretations as much as the next. It’s okay as long as we recognize that we are creating through our thoughts, words, and actions – and get the support we need to take the risks that will evolve us to the next level of co-creation. When you recognize you’re making negative interpretations, then simply stop. Consciously choose an interpretation that empowers you to move forward in creating a life after your divorce that you can be excited about. Three Steps to a strong foundation! Alright, this could take some time because the old way of interpreting what is happing in your life could be like digging out the old footings that held your old foundation up, but you need an upgrade Baby! Be patient, compassionate, and gentle with yourself as you learn to choose an empowered perspective for your circumstances. Try these three simple steps: Write down all the negative interpretations about your life, your partner, your work, etc. Yup! Get it ALL out, and don’t hold back because your empowered future depends on this! Make a list of alternate (empowered) interpretations for each one. Write a note to yourself that says: “What is an empowered interpretation?” each time you find yourself thinking of a negative interpretation. You can read about the Law of Choice in Debbie Ford’s book, Spiritual Divorce, or you can sign up here to receive information for my next online group study of Spiritual Divorce, so you can implement powerful spiritual laws of divorce in the presence of an online community and Spiritual Divorce coach.

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