Survivors of Sibling Abuse

Sibling abuse is already a difficult topic to discuss, but when the abuser is a sibling, it becomes even more complex and rarely spoken about. Sibling sexual abuse (SSA) is one of the most underreported and misunderstood forms of abuse, yet it occurs far more frequently than many realize.

Breaking the Silence on Sibling Sexual Abuse

In this episode of from Trauma to True Love, I sat down with my dear friend “Jane” (not her real name), who bravely shared her experience of surviving sibling sexual abuse. I’ve known Jane for over 30 years, and her resilience has always inspired me. She has navigated the pain, confusion, and lasting effects of this trauma with strength, and today, she’s speaking out to help others who might still be struggling in silence.

In this conversation, we discuss:

How sibling sexual abuse impacted Jane’s childhood, self-perception, and relationships.
The ways in which her relationships in adulthood mirrored her early trauma.
The role of guilt, shame, and confusion in her healing journey.
How her father discovered what was happening and how her family reacted.
The importance of speaking up, finding support, and breaking the cycle of secrecy.

Jane’s Story: The Hidden Reality of Sibling Sexual Abuse

For years, Jane carried the burden of her past alone, unsure of how to make sense of what happened to her. She shared with me that her brother’s behavior was incredibly confusing—during the day, he was cruel and dismissive, but at night, he was affectionate and kind. This emotional whiplash left her feeling trapped in a dynamic she didn’t understand.

One of the most heartbreaking aspects of sibling sexual abuse is that survivors often blame themselves. Jane recalled feeling guilt and shame, wondering if she had somehow been responsible. Unfortunately, this is common among survivors, as childhood trauma often distorts a person’s ability to recognize that they were victims, not participants.

The abuse eventually ended when Jane’s father discovered what was happening. His realization led to a shift in family dynamics, but the damage had already been done. Jane had to navigate the complexities of family relationships, including her connection to her abuser, while also finding a way to heal from the deep wounds left behind.

The Long Shadow of Trauma: How SSA (Sibling Sexual Abuse) Affects Adult Relationships

Jane spoke about how the patterns established in childhood showed up later in her adult relationships. She found herself in dynamics that mirrored the emotional pain of her early years—partners who were dismissive and unkind, relationships that made her question her worth.

She wasn’t alone in this experience. Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse struggle with:

Attracting emotionally unavailable or abusive partners.
Struggling with self-worth and confidence in relationships.
Feeling guilt or shame about asserting their needs.
Sabotaging relationships due to deep-seated fears of vulnerability.

When trauma happens within the home—within the family system—it can be particularly difficult to heal. Unlike abuse from an outsider, sibling sexual abuse often forces survivors to navigate complicated relationships with their families, many of whom may not acknowledge or understand the abuse.

The Healing Journey: Moving from Guilt to Freedom

I asked Jane about her healing journey—what helped her move forward, what allowed her to reclaim her life after years of internalized shame.

Therapy played a crucial role. One of the most significant moments for her was during a therapy session when she finally told her mother what had happened. That conversation, although painful, was a turning point.

Another moment of healing came from our own conversations over the years. Jane shared that a discussion we had many years ago helped her let go of the guilt she had been carrying. Knowing she wasn’t alone, that someone understood her pain, was life changing.

This is why breaking the silence is so important. I’ve discovered that when survivors keep their pain locked away, it continues to hold power over them. But when they speak up, when they find safe spaces to share their truth, the past loses that hold. This was true in my own journey.

Breaking the Cycle: What Needs to Change

As we talked, I became even more aware of what needs to change in society’s understanding of sibling sexual abuse.

We Need to Teach Children the Right Words and How to Speak Up

Many children don’t have the vocabulary to explain what’s happening to them. Jane mentioned that when she tried to tell an adult, she said, “He’s bothering me.” But that wasn’t enough for someone to recognize the severity of the situation.

Parents and caregivers must teach children the correct terms for their bodies and create an environment where they feel safe reporting any discomfort, no matter how small it may seem.

Parents Must Be Willing to See What’s Happening

Many parents don’t believe that abuse can happen within their own home, especially between siblings. But denial only allows abuse to continue unchecked. Parents need to be willing to recognize warning signs and take action.

Support Systems Need to Be Stronger

Many survivors of SSA don’t seek help because they fear being dismissed, disbelieved, or judged. More education and awareness are needed to ensure that survivors have access to the support and validation they need to heal.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone

If you take one thing away from this conversation, let it be this: you are not alone, and you are not to blame. Sibling sexual abuse is an incredibly difficult experience, but healing is possible.

There is support out there, and the more we talk about it, the more power we take back from the past.

Resources for Support:

If you or someone you know is struggling with the impact of sibling sexual abuse, here are some resources that may help:

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) – 24/7 confidential support
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN)
1in6.org – Support for male survivors of sexual abuse

Thank you for reading and for being part of this conversation. The path from Trauma to True Love starts with having courageous conversations like these, and I’m honored to have you here.

Until next time, remember: Your story matters. Your voice is powerful. And healing is possible.

If you’re ready to get support, connect with me here or connect with me on Facebook.

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Resentment or Righteous Anger: How to Know the Difference

Difficult Emotions when you move on after divorce Who hasn’t gone through a breakup and felt angry, marginalized, or powerless? Divorce can often act as a catalyst for regaining lost power, but difficult and confusion emotions can complicate the process. As conscious as we want to consider ourselves, it is actually quite common to fall into the trap of trying to regain our power through manipulation and control. You need to know where you stand, in yourself, to be able to wield your anger in constructive and empowered ways. The First Step is Knowing the Difference between resentment and righteous anger! When your anger is a result of resentment, then you can be sure that you feel unsettled inside, but when your anger is the result of taking a stand, then you will experience a sense of calm – even when you might not get what you want! Here are some ways to recognize the difference: RESENTMENT Resentment is a result of not taking care of yourself, and expecting others to give you what you want even though you haven’t directly asked for it. Feelings of resentment are common in a breakup because they build over time. In the beginning, you might have an expectation that your partner will say or do something and when they don’t live up to your expectation, then you feel let down or a little angry. Burying the little feeling is like planting a seed that eventually turns into a garden of resentment. Over time, you will discover little ‘volunteer’ plants of resentment where you didn’t expect them.When you feel resentment, you will have an experience of wanting to get back at your partner (or ex), to hurt them in some way, or “make them pay” for what they’ve done (or not done). Once you’ve made it to the point of divorce, it’s much more difficult to pull the weeds of resentment, but you can do it. I’m not here to say it’s an easy task, but I guarantee you that the work you do around releasing your resentment will help you regain your power and leave you feeling the peace of mind you so desperately want to experience. RIGHTEOUS ANGER Righteous anger is different than the anger that comes from resentment, because you’re putting your stake in the ground and letting others know what your boundary is. The way to express righteous anger is to know yourself deeply and know where you stand, so you recognize when a boundary has been crossed. Regaining your power after divorce or breakup is sacred work and in the process you will discover that many of the choices you made did not serve you. In this recognition you can stop blaming your ex and start giving yourself what you need. You’re not always going to get what you want. You may have to fight for your rights, and as you stand up for yourself from an empowered, matter-of-fact knowing, then you will be able to release your resentments gradually and naturally. It’s not about “Right” and “Wrong” We tend to look at things from our own perspectives, so don’t get caught up in believing that your righteous anger is about you being right and your partner being wrong. There is no right and wrong thinking that will bring you peace. EVER! In the knowing of who you are, you can make decisions that are ‘right’ for you and you may take other people into consideration when making your choices. What you must know is the difference between the actions you take that are from resentment or righteous anger so you don’t make a bigger mess of things, because divorce and breakups are messy. Some suggestions: As you move on after divorce or breakup, it is important to own your feelings! Know yourself and the pain you’re in and take responsibility for your part of the co-creation of your current circumstances. Don’t blame anyone else for not getting what you want. Instead vision the life you want and make choices that lead you toward peace and happiness. Set and maintain clear boundaries with yourself and others, and above all else: Take care of yourself as if you were one of the top 3 most important people in your life. COMMENTS Please! (I’ll respond!) Leave your comments below, by answering one of the following inquiries: What are your top resentments are and your struggles for releasing them as you move on after divorce or breakup? Describe what you’re doing to hold on to or let go of your resentments. What stand do you need to take? How will you commit to taking really good care of yourself this week?
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The Law of Choice

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Breakup Music Playlist

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The Law of Surrender

This Spiritual Law requires that you surrender to the circumstances of your life as they are. Ultimately, this is the “telling myself the truth” law. This is the way it is, now what? When you are able to surrender to what is, then you open yourself up to tons of possibilities that will change the experience you are having with your life. Surrendering is very different than giving up. When you “give up,” you feel victimized, but when you surrender you become empowered to take different actions than you have in the past. When you “give up,” you feel drained and empty, but when you surrender you are filled with inspiration and become open to a wider view of yourself and the world around you. When you resist what is, whatever you’re resisting consumes your attention and it becomes very difficult to be in the flow of your life. Surrendering opens us up to a greater reality than what we previously thought possible. Dan Millman talks about The Law of Surrender In the first half of this video, Millman teaches this law using some common circumstances we might find ourselves in. The Law of Surrender gives us new ways to be in the world. Millman also teaches an important concept that I work with in my coaching work: “Emotions are the weather patterns of the body.” During the second half of the video, Millman shares a simple way to stay in the present moment. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Surrender | My Heart Heals.
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It’s not if you fall, it’s what you do after that counts!

When I saw this video, I cried… There are certain circumstances that can knock us down. Life throws us challenges: a move to a new home; a change in career; an unexpected death in the family; an illness; a divorce. We don’t always know how to get back up after big losses, but I hope this video gives you some inspiration to do it… to get back up and move forward. Feelings like sadness, grief, disappointment, frustration, and grief can overwhelm us. I know… I’ve been there! Do You Feel Alone? Going through a major life transition often leaves us feeling alone. Well-meaning friends and family can give us wonderful support, but it’s not always what we need and we can end up feeling more alone than ever. If this is your experience, you’re not alone (no pun intended). If you’ve moved, changed your career left a relationship then you have a lot to deal with. Your surroundings may have changed. The people you trusted and counted on may not be available in the ways you need them. You might need a new support system, and that is completely and totally normal and expected! Prepare Yourself! I know it’s not as easy as saying, “Just do blah, blah, blah!” You may know what needs to change. You may know what you need to do differently, but you may not be in a position to create the pathway to a better future. The woman in the video trained to run that race. She trained to win. She had a coach. She practiced every day. Take some time and create a plan – a step-by-step plan that gets you hooked into community gets you the support you need and holds you accountable for taking decisive and strategic actions to get back on top of your life. It may be a struggle. You may get out of breath feeling overwhelmed, but you can do it. Here’s how you can reinvent yourself and move toward a better future. With each and every action you take, ask yourself, “Will this keep me stuck in the past or will it propel me to the future I desire?” Ask this question for what you believe – do you need to change your beliefs? As this question for what you tell yourself in your internal dialogue – do you need to have a strong boundary with yourself to change how you talk to yourself? Choose who you will invite in as your support team. Who are your coaches and cheerleaders? Who can you complain to that won’t let you get away with complaining, but won’t make you feel bad about yourself either? Who will hold you in your highest, hold your hand every step of the way, and hold your heart in sacred trust? I will! If you want support to reinvent yourself, schedule a complimentary 30 minute call with me here and we’ll explore how I can support you.
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