The Law of Responsibility

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• Rebuilding after divorce

  “The way we feel about our [DIVORCE] is a result of the interpretations we have made.” There is no other truth that is more powerful than you have the power to choose how you interpret the painful events of your life! When you choose to look at your divorce as a catastrophic event or a catalyst for an even better life, then you are choosing to focus on an outcome that you are likely to manifest. This fact can be devastating or empowering, and you get to choose that too! Even quantum physics says nothing is created until it is first thought of in the mind. With this as a guiding principle, it is very important to become aware of our thoughts and the choices we are making, because within these interpretations we create our reality! Your life tomorrow will be the result of the interpretations you’re making today! Build a strong foundation! I know of very few experiences that throw people off more than a relationship crisis. Rebuilding after divorce isn’t a cakewalk. Whether it’s a betrayal, death, or divorce (which feels like a death), you must rebuild from the ground up! Your interpretations of your circumstances are your foundation. Imagine rebuilding your life on the following beliefs (which are very common, so don’t feel bad if you’re feeling this): I’m a failure I’m going to be alone forever I’m worthless I’ll never have the relationship I want, so I might as well settle for what I have What do you think you will create if you approach your future with those thoughts? Now, I’m not saying to pretend you’re not having these thoughts when you are. I’m saying that these are ONLY thoughts and interpretations of the reasons for your loss, and you do have the power to choose your beliefs. This is a very important distinction and can change your life, so bear with me. Rebuilding after divorce is absolutely necessary! What if you built your foundation on these thoughts: It’s obvious that there’s something better for me, or this wouldn’t be happening to me. I am worthy of copious amounts of love, respect, and care so obviously I need to move on from this relationship, because, if I’m not getting what I need here I need to make myself available for it somewhere else. I am so excited to meet the next love of my life because it only gets better from here. A belief that “I am not ever going to find another partner”, will leave you with a willingness to settle for less from your current partner (or other people in your life). The mindset that you won’t get what you want compels you to give in to fears of taking risks… of letting go… or of being alone… You get to choose in each moment! I am guilty of making negative interpretations as much as the next. It’s okay as long as we recognize that we are creating through our thoughts, words, and actions – and get the support we need to take the risks that will evolve us to the next level of co-creation. When you recognize you’re making negative interpretations, then simply stop. Consciously choose an interpretation that empowers you to move forward in creating a life after your divorce that you can be excited about. Three Steps to a strong foundation! Alright, this could take some time because the old way of interpreting what is happing in your life could be like digging out the old footings that held your old foundation up, but you need an upgrade Baby! Be patient, compassionate, and gentle with yourself as you learn to choose an empowered perspective for your circumstances. Try these three simple steps: Write down all the negative interpretations about your life, your partner, your work, etc. Yup! Get it ALL out, and don’t hold back because your empowered future depends on this! Make a list of alternate (empowered) interpretations for each one. Write a note to yourself that says: “What is an empowered interpretation?” each time you find yourself thinking of a negative interpretation. You can read about the Law of Choice in Debbie Ford’s book, Spiritual Divorce, or you can sign up here to receive information for my next online group study of Spiritual Divorce, so you can implement powerful spiritual laws of divorce in the presence of an online community and Spiritual Divorce coach.

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• How to Bring Your Sexy Back After Divorce

  If you’re like most people, divorce has shaken your confidence to the core, leaving you feeling anything but desirable. Sexy isn’t about the shape you’re in or the clothes you wear. It’s definitely not about what someone told you or what anyone else thinks. Sexy is all about cultivating a mindset where you’re steeped in your own juiciness. Feeling sexy is an inside-out job, not an outside-in job. Here are three quick practices to help you cultivate a sexy mindset so you can learn how to be sexy no matter what is happening in your life. Read 3 go-to tips to bring your sexy back on my article at Your Tango!

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• 3 tips for surviving the holidays after divorce

  Divorce is challenging no matter when you leave your marriage. Making the decision to divorce during the holidays can be particularly challenging. It’s not uncommon to put off the decision for a better time, like at the end of a year or when the kids go off to college. Unfortunately for many, the better time turns into years of indecision, deeper despair, and increased unhappiness. It’s a given that your family will be challenged regardless of when you decide to break up, however, there are things you can do to ease the burden and move forward with confidence that you’re going to be okay. My marriage ended just before Thanksgiving nine years ago, and it was a very sad and confusing time for everyone. Through my own experience and working with hundreds of people leaving a marriage, I’ve learned some tips to help you, not only survive the holidays but believe that you will at some point be able to thrive in your new life. Statistics have shown that it takes on average 4 to 8 years to completely move on from a divorce. Anything you can do to shorten your healing process will benefit you, and everyone affected by your breakup. Whether this approaching holiday season will be your first experience post-divorce, you’re in the middle of a breakup, or if you’re several years post-divorce and still haven’t been able to get through the holidays, these 3 tips will help! Surviving the holidays: Tip #1 – Connect! The most important thing you can do to survive the holidays is to create connections. Most people tell me that they feel out of place and that they feel they don’t belong anywhere. This is a normal experience that you absolutely must not give into. Connect, no matter what. Isolating yourself will breed feelings of victimization, loneliness, and sadness. You may still have these feelings, but you won’t be alone – and it’s much harder to dig yourself into despair when you are with people. Who you spend time with during the holidays may change, and this can be sad. Don’t let it stop you. If you always attend your in-laws’ holiday gatherings and this year you are not participating, find somewhere else to share the day with. You might want to attend a singles (or single parent) meetup for the holidays. There are a lot of them, but if there isn’t one in your area, then consider going out of town for the day. Call a friend and invite yourself to dinner. Some people tell me, “Inviting myself to someone’s holiday gathering means I’m pathetic. I won’t do it!” To this I say, “Do it!” Pathetic is an interpretation you’ve made. This brings me to Tip #2… Surviving the holidays: Tip #2 – Choose your interpretations! If you’re like me, and most of the clients I’ve worked with, you have special needs during the holidays: needs for compassion and care; needs for inclusion and kindness; needs for non-judgment and most of all a need to feel hopeful about your future. Making negative interpretations is common, so don’t feel bad if you’re looking at everything that is wrong with your situation. Just don’t stop there… Make a list of what you’re making your divorce, or the experiences you’re having, mean about you. Your kids may be angry at you. You might feel guilty that you’ve caused your loved ones to feel pain. You might feel you don’t deserve to be happy or you’re unworthy of love. Look at your interpretations and determine which ones make you feel bad and which ones make you feel good. Statistically, your interpretations will probably be negative. Knowing this will give you the awareness to consciously choose how you’re going to view your circumstances. Once you have your list of interpretations, see if you can create positive interpretations about your experience. For example, you get to create a new life for yourself, you deserve to be happy, the universe is conspiring on your behalf to give you everything your heart desires. If this feels too simplistic, schedule a session with me and we can come up with some powerful interpretations that you can hang your hat on! Surviving the holidays: Tip #3 – Create something new! Divorce = a lot of letting go! Use tip #2 to create an empowering interpretation about what you’re letting go of. Choose to see this as an opportunity to breathe something new into your life. Let yourself get creative and do something out of the ordinary, or something you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because of the relationship you were in. Try something new! What new tradition will you start this year? You might be overcome with grief, sadness, and guilt this year, but don’t let that stop you from moving forward. If you want some support in surviving the holidays and creating something new, then join me for a special call on Wednesday, November 13th at 6 pm pacific (9 pm eastern) and we’ll share more tips for surviving the holidays. We’ll brainstorm in this interactive community call to help you with new ideas and you’ll have an opportunity to join a small online group to help you survive the holidays and celebrate your successes – together… in community with people who care, so you don’t feel alone as you move through the next couple months. Join our call: Surviving the holidays: Taking a BREAK from divorce drama

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• The Law of Acceptance

  The first spiritual law states “everything is as it should be.” It’s not easy to embrace this law when your spouse just lied to you about your financial situation, cheated on you with your best friend, or is threatening you with divorce. Nor is it easy to embrace this law when your heart is broken and you are in the most intense pain wishing to not have the experience you’re having and for your life to be different. There’s an old Sufi story about a farmer and his son. Have you heard it? The farmer heads out to feed his animals and his prized horse is dead. As soon as the village learned of this tragedy, they came to express their condolences. The farmer heard the same message throughout the day: “What a terrible thing to have happen to you. This is the worst thing that could happen.” The farmer repeated what became a mantra to the well-wishers: “Perhaps…. perhaps…” The following week, while the farmer was working the land, his eldest son runs to tell him that he just captured a herd of wild horses. This time the villagers were excited for the farmer and came to congratulate him on his good fortune. “You are so lucky! Look at the blessing that has been bestowed upon you. An entire herd of horses! You rock!” Interestingly, the farmer’s reply was the same as before, “Perhaps…” A few days later he sent his son to tame the wild horses. In the process, the farmer’s son was thrown to the ground and his leg was broken. You know the villagers were pretty tight back then, so they all heard of the tragedy. Once again the villagers came to check on the boy and to inform the farmer of what bad luck he was having. The farmer’s reply once again was, “Perhaps… perhaps.” The farmer’s son was still bedridden several weeks later when the emperor sent his messengers to round up all the boys who could fight in a local battle. Of course, they passed the boy right on by when the messengers saw how injured he was. A few weeks later, the neighbors, who lost their sons in the battle, again come by the farmer’s home and say, “You’re so lucky to have your son home with you.” And do you know what the farmer said? You’re right, “Perhaps… perhaps.” Acceptance: It may be the last thing you want to do. Usually, when we’re in the middle of a crisis, our first thought tends to be something like this: It shouldn’t be like this. Why is this happening to me? The Law of Acceptance teaches us that our lives are always evolving whether we know it or not and invites us to remember that what may appear to be a tragedy, maybe in reality leading us to the fulfillment of our dreams. When you are living this law you will be heading toward a trusting relationship with the Divine. You will trust on an intuitive level that the changes that are taking place in your life are ultimately for your highest good – even when you are hurting. The Law of Acceptance is the first step toward healing your broken heart. As you embrace The Law of Acceptance, you will open yourself up to reinventing yourself and creating the life that you most desire. RESOURCES: exercise, book, and a video. Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford The Right Questions by Debbie Ford Byron Katie — Is it true? In this powerful video, Byron Katie highlights a story about a woman who doesn’t even know what she wants. After asking a few important questions, she discovers that she doesn’t even want her husband back. Can you imagine the freedom you can have from discovering what you really want?

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• Samurai and the Inner Critic

  Setting a boundary! In the many years I’ve worked with people who are going through a traumatic relationship breakup, I’ve discovered that everyone has an inner critic. Sometimes the critic can be helpful, but all too often it’s a destructive force that needs putting in its place. An out-of-control critic leads to depression! If you let your inner critic have its way, it will eat you alive. The critic can be relentless in blaming you for your breakup. You can recognize an out of control critic if you hear messages like these running through your head: If only you had….. It’s all your fault! You’re so _____ or too ______! The out-of-control critic will beat you down telling you that you’re not enough, not good enough, too much, or too little. Letting the critic go on and on will eventually lead to depression. It’s common to examine what when wrong when you’re faced with a breakup, but if you’re wallowing in self-pity and helplessness, you’re doing yourself no good. You can take some time to be sad – that’s totally okay. You should take time to evaluate, assess, and examine, but if you find yourself engaging in this behavior from a disempowered place, you’re likely to only create more suffering for yourself. Without limits and boundaries, the voice of your critic will only get stronger until you feel like you are worthless and there is no hope for your future. You can stop the downward spiral before it takes you down by taking out your sword! Off with its head! I discovered this very effective exercise when I was in the depths of despair myself. It’s the only thing that worked to get me out of the depression I found myself in, and it’s helped countless numbers of my clients as well. It works, but only if you are willing to set this very strong boundary with your critic. Here’s what I recommend: Draw a large circle on a piece of paper. On the inside of the circle, write all the things you will allow into your presence. Include things like kindness, love, and care. On the outside of the circle write all the things that you will not allow into your world. Include things like judgment, meanness, blame. Now draw an imaginary circle around yourself and say this out loud to your inner critic: These are the things I will allow in my inner circle (list them). If you are (insert the qualities you expect from your critic), then you are welcome here. If you are (insert the qualities that you no longer allowing into your world), then you are not welcome. Show your inner-critic your sword and let it know that you will cut its head off if it doesn’t respect your boundaries. The moment your critic crosses your boundary, chop its head off! You teach people, and your critic, how to treat you Some people have a very difficult time being ruthless with their inner-critic because they don’t want to be mean. But, if your critic has abused you, then the only way you’re going to get it to stop is to make it stop! Don’t worry about hurting your inner critic, it’s not concerned about your well-being. Mine grew a head back every 15 seconds for three months, but today it keeps a healthy distance from me and is very kind. Its head is now the size of a golf ball and it speaks in a high squeaky voice that is difficult to take seriously. And, my critic is just fine. It has the power to deliver messages in an empowered and respectful manner, and if it doesn’t then it knows the consequences. Divorce Recovery is expedited through clear boundaries and expert support One of the most powerful things you can do to expedite your divorce recovery is to set clear boundaries with what goes on inside your mind. Instead of an uncaring inner-critic, you will need a strong inner-compassion guru. A part of you that will be kind and gentle with you and help you through this difficult time. Schedule some time with me today to explore what kind of divorce recovery support you need to move you powerfully into your new life in empowered and emotionally healthy ways. A study of Spiritual Divorce is starting soon and has helped many people infuse their life with hope and possibility.

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