The Law of Responsibility

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• The Law of Forgiveness

  On Self-growth.com, Amanda Butler discusses this universal law in detail. The most powerful reason to forgive is for your own freedom. I’ve often heard Debbie Ford say, “forgiveness takes place in your heart, not your mind,” and it’s so true. This Spiritual Law often takes a little extra time to integrate, especially when deep betrayal is involved. It is empowering to know that once you have fully integrated the Law of Forgiveness, you will be free from the past and ready to move completely into a future that you create for yourself. Forgiving can be difficult, but it’s necessary to forgive so you can live your life. Here’s an extreme example: I was touched very deeply by Azim Khamiza, who practices The Law of Forgiveness every day. In 1995, his son Tariq Khamiza lost his life to a gang-related murder. Azim shares how holding resentment takes up precious space in our minds. This is true for all situations. If we are holding onto resentment, the person we hurt the most is ourselves. In forgiving, Azim has been able to create a foundation that educates and empowers. What will you be able to create through your forgiveness? What could you do with all that resentment that you hold for someone you once loved? or for someone who has hurt you? Here’s some more… In this short video, you see how forgiveness can benefit all of humanity. You might have to look a little, or should I say–open your heart, to see the possibilities resulting from your forgiveness. It may not be this dramatic, but your forgiveness will change your world. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Forgiveness | My Heart Heals.

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• Breakup Music Playlist

  Music as a self-care practice! Music is an important part of our lives, isn’t it? There are certain songs that take us back to a specific time of our lives, like our teen years, or an event, like our wedding day. My ex-brother and sister-in-law got married to the Beatles song, “Will You Still Love Me When I’m 64?” They’re still together. I should have known where my marriage was headed when my husband asked the mariachis to serenade us with, “El Asesino, which, in Spanish, means The Murderer (in case you were wondering). Oh, that should have been a red flag that I was creating my break up music playlist. And today it makes sense that one of my favorite songs to listen to several years into our marriage was Willie Nelson’s Country & Western hit, “You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille.” I hadn’t been happy for a long time. Music connects the head and heart! After I left my marriage, I listened to a lot of music that was heart-opening, like “Ra Ma Da Sa” by Snatam Kaur. I was very intentional listening as I engaged in my Kundalini yoga practice. And then I listened incessantly to Michael Franti. I resonated with songs like “Hey World (Don’t give Up), ” because I felt like my world was a war zone. It gave me hope and I felt like I was asking the Universe to not give up on me -personally! Oh, and I learned to drum – it was like listening to my own heartbeat that I had lost touch with. A few years later, my lover turned me onto Prog, and the musical bars were raised! Listen to Spock’s Beard’s masterpiece, “The Doorway.” Isn’t it beautiful? Listening to this can you see how relationships can serve as a catalyst for our evolution? A doorway to knowing ourselves more deeply… Music can be irreverent! But, that’s fun! I love empowering music, and one of my favorite singer/songwriters is Storm Large. She’s not for everyone, but she tells it like it is and she says things the most of us would never dare speak out loud. Like this inappropriate song called, “I Want You to Die!” It is appropriate however for the angry hurt moments…. She’s a powerhouse who has lived through abuse, neglect, and depression. I love her! And have seen her in concert a couple of times. She has a wide range and is comfortable performing in jeans and a t-shirt or a fancy gown, like when she played Carnegie Hall. I personally think every woman should know Storm. You can check out her racy music, I’ll just share a mild one here that is perfect for getting over someone. Here’s Storm’s version of “Hopelessly Devoted To You.” Let’s Co-Create a Playlist! Now it’s your turn? Share your EMPOWERMENT music here! What are some fabulous songs, artists, genres you listen to?

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• 3 Ways to Expand Your Perception and Create Happiness After Divorce

  After Divorce, You need to think differently! The only way you’re going to have an experience after your divorce that is different than pain, is if you let yourself think differently about your circumstances. You can look at all the drama and trauma of what is wrong about your situation, and how it’s not supposed to be like this, but you will only prolong your suffering. People come to me because they’re tired of hurting so much and for so long. Your first task is to infiltrate your mind with newness. New thoughts and ideas that empower you to see potential in your future instead of more of the same struggle you might be experiencing today. There are many sides to a story! And not one of them is any more true than another. That means your story of what is happening to you, is simply that. A story! It may be a compelling story that has victims and perpetrators, good guys and bad guys. But it’s only a story. Each story is told from a specific perception. Here’s an exercise to see how your story is preventing you from being happy. Expanding Perception Exercise #1 Take a moment and tell your story from your perspective. Write it out in a paragraph or two and then set it aside. Now, this is the hard part. Write the same story from your partner’s perspective. What does he or she think about the situation? Who does this person blame and for what grievances? How do they see the problem and who do they cast as the victim? What would be the best next step from this perspective? Do this again from at least three different perspectives. If you are able to put yourself in the shoes of other people…. I mean, really put yourself in their shoes, you will see that you have increased your perspective. You may not like it or want to go along with what you discover, but that’s not the point… it’s simply to expand your perception and see possibilities that didn’t exist before. Being able to step out of your shoes and into another’s will give you a unique perspective that gives you access to new ideas that you could never, ever see if you were tied into only one way of perceiving a person or situation. After Divorce, you need to Speak Differently! I have found that the way we speak has a lot to do with how happy or unhappy we are. Bring conscious awareness to the words you speak to yourself. You might not even be aware of how harshly you are berating yourself. Maybe you’re not so hard on yourself, but even those clients I work with who are incredibly on-top of things and making all the ‘right’ choices have negative self-talk. Your perception will change when you bring your awareness to everything you are saying to yourself about who you are, what you’re capable of, and your general sense of worthiness. Expanding Perception Exercise #2 Stop yourself several times a day and write a short paragraph about what you’re telling yourself in an internal dialogue. See if you can start to catch yourself as you tell yourself negative messages. This exercise is only about expanding your perception around how you are treating yourself and the repetitive negative messages you tell yourself. Once you have an expanded perception of what you’re telling yourself on a regular basis, you can consciously choose to speak more kindly to yourself. Yup! It’s like setting a boundary with someone who isn’t nice to you. After Divorce, you will need to Act Differently! Thee is no other time when your behaviors will be as important to your future as when you are going through a divorce. Most people (not all) tend to keep patterns of behavior that no longer serve them. You may need to set stronger boundaries, or you may need to access a strength and courage inside of you that you didn’t know was there. You might need to take risks to meet new friends and try new things. Taking new actions will expand your perception and enable you to see new ways of behaving in the new world you’re creating for yourself. Expanding Perception Exercise #3 Notice the behaviors that you engage in that are routine and see if you can mix them up a little. You don’t have to cut the ends of the roast off any longer. The world is big enough for you and your bold life. It’s time to start living it. Take at least ONE new action each week. Try a new food, pick up a new hobby, meet a new friend. Write about what you notice as a result. Expanding your perception will bring you happiness! At the beginning of Brene’ Browns TedTalk on vulnerability, she explains how her research expanded her perception in ways that completely changed the way she lives, loves, works, and even how she parents. Staying tucked into a metaphorical box of limited perception will only give us more of what we’ve already created. If you’re not 100% happy with your life, then do everything you can to expand your perception of your circumstances. Think about it… there is a huge difference in perceiving your relationship breakup (or challenges) to be a huge failure instead of thinking of it as opening you up to a new wonderful experience of your life. Which way of walking through the fire do you think will bring you more happiness? Are you a victim or your circumstances? Or a powerful co-creator with the Divine? You choose!

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• Resentment or Righteous Anger: How to Know the Difference

  Difficult Emotions when you move on after divorce Who hasn’t gone through a breakup and felt angry, marginalized, or powerless? Divorce can often act as a catalyst for regaining lost power, but difficult and confusion emotions can complicate the process. As conscious as we want to consider ourselves, it is actually quite common to fall into the trap of trying to regain our power through manipulation and control. You need to know where you stand, in yourself, to be able to wield your anger in constructive and empowered ways. The First Step is Knowing the Difference between resentment and righteous anger! When your anger is a result of resentment, then you can be sure that you feel unsettled inside, but when your anger is the result of taking a stand, then you will experience a sense of calm – even when you might not get what you want! Here are some ways to recognize the difference: RESENTMENT Resentment is a result of not taking care of yourself, and expecting others to give you what you want even though you haven’t directly asked for it. Feelings of resentment are common in a breakup because they build over time. In the beginning, you might have an expectation that your partner will say or do something and when they don’t live up to your expectation, then you feel let down or a little angry. Burying the little feeling is like planting a seed that eventually turns into a garden of resentment. Over time, you will discover little ‘volunteer’ plants of resentment where you didn’t expect them.When you feel resentment, you will have an experience of wanting to get back at your partner (or ex), to hurt them in some way, or “make them pay” for what they’ve done (or not done). Once you’ve made it to the point of divorce, it’s much more difficult to pull the weeds of resentment, but you can do it. I’m not here to say it’s an easy task, but I guarantee you that the work you do around releasing your resentment will help you regain your power and leave you feeling the peace of mind you so desperately want to experience. RIGHTEOUS ANGER Righteous anger is different than the anger that comes from resentment, because you’re putting your stake in the ground and letting others know what your boundary is. The way to express righteous anger is to know yourself deeply and know where you stand, so you recognize when a boundary has been crossed. Regaining your power after divorce or breakup is sacred work and in the process you will discover that many of the choices you made did not serve you. In this recognition you can stop blaming your ex and start giving yourself what you need. You’re not always going to get what you want. You may have to fight for your rights, and as you stand up for yourself from an empowered, matter-of-fact knowing, then you will be able to release your resentments gradually and naturally. It’s not about “Right” and “Wrong” We tend to look at things from our own perspectives, so don’t get caught up in believing that your righteous anger is about you being right and your partner being wrong. There is no right and wrong thinking that will bring you peace. EVER! In the knowing of who you are, you can make decisions that are ‘right’ for you and you may take other people into consideration when making your choices. What you must know is the difference between the actions you take that are from resentment or righteous anger so you don’t make a bigger mess of things, because divorce and breakups are messy. Some suggestions: As you move on after divorce or breakup, it is important to own your feelings! Know yourself and the pain you’re in and take responsibility for your part of the co-creation of your current circumstances. Don’t blame anyone else for not getting what you want. Instead vision the life you want and make choices that lead you toward peace and happiness. Set and maintain clear boundaries with yourself and others, and above all else: Take care of yourself as if you were one of the top 3 most important people in your life. COMMENTS Please! (I’ll respond!) Leave your comments below, by answering one of the following inquiries: What are your top resentments are and your struggles for releasing them as you move on after divorce or breakup? Describe what you’re doing to hold on to or let go of your resentments. What stand do you need to take? How will you commit to taking really good care of yourself this week?

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• Samurai and the Inner Critic

  Setting a boundary! In the many years I’ve worked with people who are going through a traumatic relationship breakup, I’ve discovered that everyone has an inner critic. Sometimes the critic can be helpful, but all too often it’s a destructive force that needs putting in its place. An out-of-control critic leads to depression! If you let your inner critic have its way, it will eat you alive. The critic can be relentless in blaming you for your breakup. You can recognize an out of control critic if you hear messages like these running through your head: If only you had….. It’s all your fault! You’re so _____ or too ______! The out-of-control critic will beat you down telling you that you’re not enough, not good enough, too much, or too little. Letting the critic go on and on will eventually lead to depression. It’s common to examine what when wrong when you’re faced with a breakup, but if you’re wallowing in self-pity and helplessness, you’re doing yourself no good. You can take some time to be sad – that’s totally okay. You should take time to evaluate, assess, and examine, but if you find yourself engaging in this behavior from a disempowered place, you’re likely to only create more suffering for yourself. Without limits and boundaries, the voice of your critic will only get stronger until you feel like you are worthless and there is no hope for your future. You can stop the downward spiral before it takes you down by taking out your sword! Off with its head! I discovered this very effective exercise when I was in the depths of despair myself. It’s the only thing that worked to get me out of the depression I found myself in, and it’s helped countless numbers of my clients as well. It works, but only if you are willing to set this very strong boundary with your critic. Here’s what I recommend: Draw a large circle on a piece of paper. On the inside of the circle, write all the things you will allow into your presence. Include things like kindness, love, and care. On the outside of the circle write all the things that you will not allow into your world. Include things like judgment, meanness, blame. Now draw an imaginary circle around yourself and say this out loud to your inner critic: These are the things I will allow in my inner circle (list them). If you are (insert the qualities you expect from your critic), then you are welcome here. If you are (insert the qualities that you no longer allowing into your world), then you are not welcome. Show your inner-critic your sword and let it know that you will cut its head off if it doesn’t respect your boundaries. The moment your critic crosses your boundary, chop its head off! You teach people, and your critic, how to treat you Some people have a very difficult time being ruthless with their inner-critic because they don’t want to be mean. But, if your critic has abused you, then the only way you’re going to get it to stop is to make it stop! Don’t worry about hurting your inner critic, it’s not concerned about your well-being. Mine grew a head back every 15 seconds for three months, but today it keeps a healthy distance from me and is very kind. Its head is now the size of a golf ball and it speaks in a high squeaky voice that is difficult to take seriously. And, my critic is just fine. It has the power to deliver messages in an empowered and respectful manner, and if it doesn’t then it knows the consequences. Divorce Recovery is expedited through clear boundaries and expert support One of the most powerful things you can do to expedite your divorce recovery is to set clear boundaries with what goes on inside your mind. Instead of an uncaring inner-critic, you will need a strong inner-compassion guru. A part of you that will be kind and gentle with you and help you through this difficult time. Schedule some time with me today to explore what kind of divorce recovery support you need to move you powerfully into your new life in empowered and emotionally healthy ways. A study of Spiritual Divorce is starting soon and has helped many people infuse their life with hope and possibility.

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