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• 3 tips for surviving the holidays after divorce

  Divorce is challenging no matter when you leave your marriage. Making the decision to divorce during the holidays can be particularly challenging. It’s not uncommon to put off the decision for a better time, like at the end of a year or when the kids go off to college. Unfortunately for many, the better time turns into years of indecision, deeper despair, and increased unhappiness. It’s a given that your family will be challenged regardless of when you decide to break up, however, there are things you can do to ease the burden and move forward with confidence that you’re going to be okay. My marriage ended just before Thanksgiving nine years ago, and it was a very sad and confusing time for everyone. Through my own experience and working with hundreds of people leaving a marriage, I’ve learned some tips to help you, not only survive the holidays but believe that you will at some point be able to thrive in your new life. Statistics have shown that it takes on average 4 to 8 years to completely move on from a divorce. Anything you can do to shorten your healing process will benefit you, and everyone affected by your breakup. Whether this approaching holiday season will be your first experience post-divorce, you’re in the middle of a breakup, or if you’re several years post-divorce and still haven’t been able to get through the holidays, these 3 tips will help! Surviving the holidays: Tip #1 – Connect! The most important thing you can do to survive the holidays is to create connections. Most people tell me that they feel out of place and that they feel they don’t belong anywhere. This is a normal experience that you absolutely must not give into. Connect, no matter what. Isolating yourself will breed feelings of victimization, loneliness, and sadness. You may still have these feelings, but you won’t be alone – and it’s much harder to dig yourself into despair when you are with people. Who you spend time with during the holidays may change, and this can be sad. Don’t let it stop you. If you always attend your in-laws’ holiday gatherings and this year you are not participating, find somewhere else to share the day with. You might want to attend a singles (or single parent) meetup for the holidays. There are a lot of them, but if there isn’t one in your area, then consider going out of town for the day. Call a friend and invite yourself to dinner. Some people tell me, “Inviting myself to someone’s holiday gathering means I’m pathetic. I won’t do it!” To this I say, “Do it!” Pathetic is an interpretation you’ve made. This brings me to Tip #2… Surviving the holidays: Tip #2 – Choose your interpretations! If you’re like me, and most of the clients I’ve worked with, you have special needs during the holidays: needs for compassion and care; needs for inclusion and kindness; needs for non-judgment and most of all a need to feel hopeful about your future. Making negative interpretations is common, so don’t feel bad if you’re looking at everything that is wrong with your situation. Just don’t stop there… Make a list of what you’re making your divorce, or the experiences you’re having, mean about you. Your kids may be angry at you. You might feel guilty that you’ve caused your loved ones to feel pain. You might feel you don’t deserve to be happy or you’re unworthy of love. Look at your interpretations and determine which ones make you feel bad and which ones make you feel good. Statistically, your interpretations will probably be negative. Knowing this will give you the awareness to consciously choose how you’re going to view your circumstances. Once you have your list of interpretations, see if you can create positive interpretations about your experience. For example, you get to create a new life for yourself, you deserve to be happy, the universe is conspiring on your behalf to give you everything your heart desires. If this feels too simplistic, schedule a session with me and we can come up with some powerful interpretations that you can hang your hat on! Surviving the holidays: Tip #3 – Create something new! Divorce = a lot of letting go! Use tip #2 to create an empowering interpretation about what you’re letting go of. Choose to see this as an opportunity to breathe something new into your life. Let yourself get creative and do something out of the ordinary, or something you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because of the relationship you were in. Try something new! What new tradition will you start this year? You might be overcome with grief, sadness, and guilt this year, but don’t let that stop you from moving forward. If you want some support in surviving the holidays and creating something new, then join me for a special call on Wednesday, November 13th at 6 pm pacific (9 pm eastern) and we’ll share more tips for surviving the holidays. We’ll brainstorm in this interactive community call to help you with new ideas and you’ll have an opportunity to join a small online group to help you survive the holidays and celebrate your successes – together… in community with people who care, so you don’t feel alone as you move through the next couple months. Join our call: Surviving the holidays: Taking a BREAK from divorce drama

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• Samurai and the Inner Critic

  Setting a boundary! In the many years I’ve worked with people who are going through a traumatic relationship breakup, I’ve discovered that everyone has an inner critic. Sometimes the critic can be helpful, but all too often it’s a destructive force that needs putting in its place. An out-of-control critic leads to depression! If you let your inner critic have its way, it will eat you alive. The critic can be relentless in blaming you for your breakup. You can recognize an out of control critic if you hear messages like these running through your head: If only you had….. It’s all your fault! You’re so _____ or too ______! The out-of-control critic will beat you down telling you that you’re not enough, not good enough, too much, or too little. Letting the critic go on and on will eventually lead to depression. It’s common to examine what when wrong when you’re faced with a breakup, but if you’re wallowing in self-pity and helplessness, you’re doing yourself no good. You can take some time to be sad – that’s totally okay. You should take time to evaluate, assess, and examine, but if you find yourself engaging in this behavior from a disempowered place, you’re likely to only create more suffering for yourself. Without limits and boundaries, the voice of your critic will only get stronger until you feel like you are worthless and there is no hope for your future. You can stop the downward spiral before it takes you down by taking out your sword! Off with its head! I discovered this very effective exercise when I was in the depths of despair myself. It’s the only thing that worked to get me out of the depression I found myself in, and it’s helped countless numbers of my clients as well. It works, but only if you are willing to set this very strong boundary with your critic. Here’s what I recommend: Draw a large circle on a piece of paper. On the inside of the circle, write all the things you will allow into your presence. Include things like kindness, love, and care. On the outside of the circle write all the things that you will not allow into your world. Include things like judgment, meanness, blame. Now draw an imaginary circle around yourself and say this out loud to your inner critic: These are the things I will allow in my inner circle (list them). If you are (insert the qualities you expect from your critic), then you are welcome here. If you are (insert the qualities that you no longer allowing into your world), then you are not welcome. Show your inner-critic your sword and let it know that you will cut its head off if it doesn’t respect your boundaries. The moment your critic crosses your boundary, chop its head off! You teach people, and your critic, how to treat you Some people have a very difficult time being ruthless with their inner-critic because they don’t want to be mean. But, if your critic has abused you, then the only way you’re going to get it to stop is to make it stop! Don’t worry about hurting your inner critic, it’s not concerned about your well-being. Mine grew a head back every 15 seconds for three months, but today it keeps a healthy distance from me and is very kind. Its head is now the size of a golf ball and it speaks in a high squeaky voice that is difficult to take seriously. And, my critic is just fine. It has the power to deliver messages in an empowered and respectful manner, and if it doesn’t then it knows the consequences. Divorce Recovery is expedited through clear boundaries and expert support One of the most powerful things you can do to expedite your divorce recovery is to set clear boundaries with what goes on inside your mind. Instead of an uncaring inner-critic, you will need a strong inner-compassion guru. A part of you that will be kind and gentle with you and help you through this difficult time. Schedule some time with me today to explore what kind of divorce recovery support you need to move you powerfully into your new life in empowered and emotionally healthy ways. A study of Spiritual Divorce is starting soon and has helped many people infuse their life with hope and possibility.

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• The Law of Choice

  How we interpret the events in our lives determines our experience. How can this be true? Let me give you an example. My mother left when I was a teenager. She left without saying, “Goodbye.” I interpreted her leaving to mean that I was insignificant. I felt as if I didn’t matter and was unworthy of her time and attention. The belief that I created in my own mind, led to a life in which I felt very insignificant. To avoid feeling insignificant I created situations in which I was a key player. I didn’t want to feel those old wounds and so I avoided them like the plague. Unfortunately, I still felt insignificant, and nothing I could do filled the wound. The only thing that shifted my experience was integrating The Law of Choice. Once I stepped out of an automatic negatively created interpretation, I was able to consciously create an empowering interpretation of these painful events. Choosing your interpretations of the events in your life is a very powerful step toward healing your heart. There is no better way to empower yourself than to view the circumstances of your relationship from The Law of Choice. We make hundreds of choices every day. Are they conscious? You make hundreds of choices about how to spend your money. You make choices to turn left or right all day long. You choose what books to read and you choose which shows to watch on television. The amount of choice that is available to you is insurmountable. Life is a matter of choice. Why would it not be true also for your thinking? You decide what to think about what has happened to you–what it means about you. Often you look outside of yourself for what to believe about yourself and the events of your life. With the ending of a relationship, you will find yourself with a potpourri of options. You can choose to think that the ending of your relationship is the worst thing that ever happened or the best. I’d like to support you in making a powerful interpretation of the ending of your relationship. An interpretation that opens the door to a life beyond what you can currently comprehend. A life filled with peace and love and fulfillment. Choose your thoughts! I love the work of Byron Katie because she is able to zero in on how our thoughts dictate our behavior. We will either choose to think thoughts that limit us or that expand us. We will choose thoughts that empower us or disempower us. via My Heart Heals With The Law of Choice | My Heart Heals.

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• How to Bring Your Sexy Back After Divorce

  If you’re like most people, divorce has shaken your confidence to the core, leaving you feeling anything but desirable. Sexy isn’t about the shape you’re in or the clothes you wear. It’s definitely not about what someone told you or what anyone else thinks. Sexy is all about cultivating a mindset where you’re steeped in your own juiciness. Feeling sexy is an inside-out job, not an outside-in job. Here are three quick practices to help you cultivate a sexy mindset so you can learn how to be sexy no matter what is happening in your life. Read 3 go-to tips to bring your sexy back on my article at Your Tango!

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• How Divorce and Global Warming are Connected

  I was talking with one of my clients in an off-scheduled call during my morning yoga routine. She was distraught with emotion and we started making the analogy of how divorce can be described through weather patterns. We have EARTHQUAKES! This is the initial shock that rocks our foundation, destroying what we’ve grown and built over the years. We don’t know how much damage there is until we get underneath the structure. Sometimes the structure can be rebuilt, and others it needs to be completely torn down or abandoned. What do we learn from the earthquake? The importance of a strong foundation that is built on honest and open communication, and true intimacy and vulnerability. We learn the importance of creating a partnership from a foundation of shared values, hopes, and dreams. We learn the importance of knowing ourselves deeply before getting into a relationship in the first place. We learn the dangers of building our foundation on denial, resentments, and withheld communications. We have TORNADOS! These are the emotions that rip through us leaving us in a pile of rubble and not knowing how to clean up the mess. Sometimes, we don’t even know where to start. This is when we need to call in Red Cross! Get help from people who know the terrain and has access to the federal emergency fund. This is where you employ the support of friends to hold you when you cry and therapists, and coaches who have your back and help you navigate the emotional waters of divorce so you come out the other side empowered and ready to move on with confidence. While grief is anything but linear, we’re highly trained and have experience and expertise in helping you reinvent your life after divorce or breakup. We have FLOODS and Wild Winter Storms! These are the endless tears of grief that envelop us as we begin the process of letting to and accepting our loss. It can be very difficult to let go, even if we know it’s the right thing for us. We grieve the loss of an intact family, we grieve the loss of companionship, we grieve the loss of friends and family, and we grieve the loss of our hopes and dreams for a happy family. “You cannot heal what you cannot feel,” is a motto I live by. While denial is an active component of the 5 stages of grief that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified, sweeping your feelings under the rug or pretending you’re okay will only prolong the grieving process. Your birthright is to feel! While it may seem you will go out of control or that you will go so deep you won’t come back, if you give yourself permission to feel fully, then you will come out the other side feeling cleansed and renewed – just like the day after a huge thunderstorm. If you’ve ever been in one, you know the quality of freshness and aliveness is tangible – and delicious! We have GLOBAL WARMING! – more commonly known as Hot Flashes! Yes, divorce is compounded when you’re in your forties and fifties because many of us question our attractiveness and F*#%ability. We question our value and ability to attract a partner. Our bodies are changing! Our emotions and even our sleep patterns are affected by menopause. A friend of mine said that menopause means, MEN – o – PAUSE – and while she claims it’s a time to take a pause from men, I say it’s a time to Reclaim Yourself! Pay attention to the interconnectedness of your inner and outer experiences. Take the time to delve deeply into your belief system and become internally referenced. Let go of patterns of self-sabotage, limiting beliefs, and ways of thinking, and embrace your authentic core essence of who you are! We have the RAINBOW! Divorce is the perfect catastrophic life event to give birth to yourself! It’s a golden opportunity to learn who you are and to commit to a consciously created life of your choosing. There is life beyond divorce, and more often than not the struggles immediately following a divorce can bring you a better life. Imagine the rainbow and remember the promise of hope and renewal of life after the destruction! You can do it! You will get through it! And you don’t have to do it alone! This is where Spiritual Divorce and my Reclaim Yourself After Divorce process help. First Spiritual Divorce helps remove the layers of shame and guilt as you learn and integrate universal spiritual laws that heal your heart and empower you to move on with confidence. After you complete the one-on-one intensive Spiritual Divorce process or an online Study of Spiritual Divorce, then you can being the Reclaim Yourself Process and fall in love with yourself, regain your confidence, grow your self-esteem, and become the beloved you want to partner with. Take your Reclaim Yourself After Divorce Assessment and schedule and take your first steps toward the pot of gold!

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