Courageous Conversations: Finding Freedom from the Impact of Sexual Abuse

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• 3 Ways to Expand Your Perception and Create Happiness After Divorce

  After Divorce, You need to think differently! The only way you’re going to have an experience after your divorce that is different than pain, is if you let yourself think differently about your circumstances. You can look at all the drama and trauma of what is wrong about your situation, and how it’s not supposed to be like this, but you will only prolong your suffering. People come to me because they’re tired of hurting so much and for so long. Your first task is to infiltrate your mind with newness. New thoughts and ideas that empower you to see potential in your future instead of more of the same struggle you might be experiencing today. There are many sides to a story! And not one of them is any more true than another. That means your story of what is happening to you, is simply that. A story! It may be a compelling story that has victims and perpetrators, good guys and bad guys. But it’s only a story. Each story is told from a specific perception. Here’s an exercise to see how your story is preventing you from being happy. Expanding Perception Exercise #1 Take a moment and tell your story from your perspective. Write it out in a paragraph or two and then set it aside. Now, this is the hard part. Write the same story from your partner’s perspective. What does he or she think about the situation? Who does this person blame and for what grievances? How do they see the problem and who do they cast as the victim? What would be the best next step from this perspective? Do this again from at least three different perspectives. If you are able to put yourself in the shoes of other people…. I mean, really put yourself in their shoes, you will see that you have increased your perspective. You may not like it or want to go along with what you discover, but that’s not the point… it’s simply to expand your perception and see possibilities that didn’t exist before. Being able to step out of your shoes and into another’s will give you a unique perspective that gives you access to new ideas that you could never, ever see if you were tied into only one way of perceiving a person or situation. After Divorce, you need to Speak Differently! I have found that the way we speak has a lot to do with how happy or unhappy we are. Bring conscious awareness to the words you speak to yourself. You might not even be aware of how harshly you are berating yourself. Maybe you’re not so hard on yourself, but even those clients I work with who are incredibly on-top of things and making all the ‘right’ choices have negative self-talk. Your perception will change when you bring your awareness to everything you are saying to yourself about who you are, what you’re capable of, and your general sense of worthiness. Expanding Perception Exercise #2 Stop yourself several times a day and write a short paragraph about what you’re telling yourself in an internal dialogue. See if you can start to catch yourself as you tell yourself negative messages. This exercise is only about expanding your perception around how you are treating yourself and the repetitive negative messages you tell yourself. Once you have an expanded perception of what you’re telling yourself on a regular basis, you can consciously choose to speak more kindly to yourself. Yup! It’s like setting a boundary with someone who isn’t nice to you. After Divorce, you will need to Act Differently! Thee is no other time when your behaviors will be as important to your future as when you are going through a divorce. Most people (not all) tend to keep patterns of behavior that no longer serve them. You may need to set stronger boundaries, or you may need to access a strength and courage inside of you that you didn’t know was there. You might need to take risks to meet new friends and try new things. Taking new actions will expand your perception and enable you to see new ways of behaving in the new world you’re creating for yourself. Expanding Perception Exercise #3 Notice the behaviors that you engage in that are routine and see if you can mix them up a little. You don’t have to cut the ends of the roast off any longer. The world is big enough for you and your bold life. It’s time to start living it. Take at least ONE new action each week. Try a new food, pick up a new hobby, meet a new friend. Write about what you notice as a result. Expanding your perception will bring you happiness! At the beginning of Brene’ Browns TedTalk on vulnerability, she explains how her research expanded her perception in ways that completely changed the way she lives, loves, works, and even how she parents. Staying tucked into a metaphorical box of limited perception will only give us more of what we’ve already created. If you’re not 100% happy with your life, then do everything you can to expand your perception of your circumstances. Think about it… there is a huge difference in perceiving your relationship breakup (or challenges) to be a huge failure instead of thinking of it as opening you up to a new wonderful experience of your life. Which way of walking through the fire do you think will bring you more happiness? Are you a victim or your circumstances? Or a powerful co-creator with the Divine? You choose!

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• Breakup Music Playlist

  Music as a self-care practice! Music is an important part of our lives, isn’t it? There are certain songs that take us back to a specific time of our lives, like our teen years, or an event, like our wedding day. My ex-brother and sister-in-law got married to the Beatles song, “Will You Still Love Me When I’m 64?” They’re still together. I should have known where my marriage was headed when my husband asked the mariachis to serenade us with, “El Asesino, which, in Spanish, means The Murderer (in case you were wondering). Oh, that should have been a red flag that I was creating my break up music playlist. And today it makes sense that one of my favorite songs to listen to several years into our marriage was Willie Nelson’s Country & Western hit, “You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille.” I hadn’t been happy for a long time. Music connects the head and heart! After I left my marriage, I listened to a lot of music that was heart-opening, like “Ra Ma Da Sa” by Snatam Kaur. I was very intentional listening as I engaged in my Kundalini yoga practice. And then I listened incessantly to Michael Franti. I resonated with songs like “Hey World (Don’t give Up), ” because I felt like my world was a war zone. It gave me hope and I felt like I was asking the Universe to not give up on me -personally! Oh, and I learned to drum – it was like listening to my own heartbeat that I had lost touch with. A few years later, my lover turned me onto Prog, and the musical bars were raised! Listen to Spock’s Beard’s masterpiece, “The Doorway.” Isn’t it beautiful? Listening to this can you see how relationships can serve as a catalyst for our evolution? A doorway to knowing ourselves more deeply… Music can be irreverent! But, that’s fun! I love empowering music, and one of my favorite singer/songwriters is Storm Large. She’s not for everyone, but she tells it like it is and she says things the most of us would never dare speak out loud. Like this inappropriate song called, “I Want You to Die!” It is appropriate however for the angry hurt moments…. She’s a powerhouse who has lived through abuse, neglect, and depression. I love her! And have seen her in concert a couple of times. She has a wide range and is comfortable performing in jeans and a t-shirt or a fancy gown, like when she played Carnegie Hall. I personally think every woman should know Storm. You can check out her racy music, I’ll just share a mild one here that is perfect for getting over someone. Here’s Storm’s version of “Hopelessly Devoted To You.” Let’s Co-Create a Playlist! Now it’s your turn? Share your EMPOWERMENT music here! What are some fabulous songs, artists, genres you listen to?

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• Science proves we are hardwired for this

  What does the Research Show? Over a decade of research confirms two of my 7-key practices as necessary for living a happy and fulfilling life after divorce. This TedTalk by Brene’ Brown should be watched often to remind you that you are in control of the quality of your experience in life, even as your life seems to be unraveling completely out of control. Implement these practices from my PDF Report and you will shorten your healing process – guaranteed! Why is Divorce so Painful? Science has shown that we are neurobiologically wired for CONNECTION. When we experience a divorce, so many connections are severed. We no longer have a partner to sleep next to or share the successes and challenges our daily life brings. The connections we have in our social circles change. We no longer share dinner parties or vacations or holidays with the same people and it’s quite common to feel like we no longer belong. Science confirms what I have seen working with hundreds of clients going through divorce, that some of the deepest pain we experience is when we feel disconnected. Why do we allow ourselves to isolate? My research shows that 85% of people going through divorce isolate themselves from community, family, and friends. They speak of not wanting anyone to know what they are going through because they feel ashamed of being divorced. The resulting experience is that they feel alone and disconnected from possibilities. A decade of scientific research supports my findings that shame is the reason we isolate ourselves and hide what’s really going on. This only prolongs our suffering! What is shame? Brene’ Brown describes it as: The fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection? ~Brene’ Brown Brene’ goes on to explain that the underneath shame is a sense of not being good enough. Beneath this surface, she says is an ‘excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.” It’s normal to worry about what people think! Not one person I’ve worked with hasn’t had a sense of fear about what people think about them, but in terms of being happy, it’s wasted energy that is counter-productive to rebuilding a life for yourself after divorce and finding your way back into connection. If you are withholding how you’re really feeling and what is really going on with you, then it’s likely you are experiencing shame. Your sense of worthiness is compromised and when you lack a sense of worthiness of receiving love and belonging, then you will isolate yourself as a protection. But, that will never give you what you really want, which research shows is connection. You must attend to your sense of Worthiness! In over six years of collecting stories, conducting interviews, and heading focus groups, researcher Brene’ Brown discovered that There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it… the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy… the thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we’re not worthy of connection… After a divorce or breakup, our sense of worthiness may be shaken or it may be that a deeper wounding around our worthiness is spotlighted. It there is one thing that I’ve noticed can change your life faster is to develop your sense of worthiness to, not only have love and belonging, but to create a better life for yourself beyond your loss. Let yourself be Courageous! Courage is the one quality that needs to be cultivated when moving on after a divorce so you can experience connection. Brence’s research shows that those with a sense of courage are those that have a strong sense of love and belonging. Courage, as Brene’ explains is “to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart [and to have] the compassion to be kind to [yourself] first and then to others [because] we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.” Telling the story of who are are with your whole heart requires you to be vulnerable and honest with others about what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. It requires you to be real and raw. When my clients are vulnerable with me, I make sure they know how beautiful they are in their vulnerability and how deeply connected I feel to them because of them sharing authentically. How can you create connection? There are numerous things you can do to alleviate your suffering and many of them are going to be directly related to your willingness to be vulnerable and create meaningful connections with people. Here are some suggestions: Share authentically with people about what is going on with you. Tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Don’t worry about being rejected and don’t let perceived rejection stop you or inhibit you. The depth of connection you will make will be worth it. Stop complaining about everything and everyone you’ve lost and get your butt out there and meet new people. Be real with them too! Work with me to develop your sense of worthiness! Share your thoughts and *vulnerable* experience here! One way to connect is to leave a comment. Share from your heart. What are your struggles? What are your hopes and dreams for your future?   Explore Our Website Check out our recommended reading section for top picks on personal growth, child behaviour, and emotional healing. You can also check out The Freedom Project, a heart-led initiative that’s all about bringing people together to evolve beyond the impact of childhood sexual abuse.

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• More Divorces Filed In January

  Three Reasons People File for Divorce in January There are more divorces filed in January than any other month, so says The Huffington Post. There is never a good time to break up and if you don’t do it now, you’ll probably be in it another year. With the holidays over the thought of staying in an unhappy relationship one more year can seem overwhelming. While New Year’s resolutions often fall away by February, many feel if they don’t file in January they may fall back into denial and pretend everything is okay for another year. There are many reasons people file for divorce in January, but as a divorce coach, here are the top three that I hear people talk about the most. Reason #3 – Selfishness or Compassion? Even though the decision to leave a relationship is often made during the holiday season, nobody wants to file for divorce while everyone is celebrating and gathering together as a family. Divorce brings an enormous amount of pain and suffering for, not only the couple but extended family and friends as well. The logic most people have is that filing in January is a better time. There are two ways of experiencing the decision to wait until after the holidays. Both are true. The first is selfishness and goes something like: “I couldn’t do that to my family during the holidays,” or “I don’t want to deal with it right now.” So, people wait until January. Here’s another way people experience their decision to wait: Even though it might not seem like it, compassion is driving the decision to wait until after the holidays. People who wait until January are often concerned about causing suffering to their children or spouse or extended family. There is a sense that they are easing the pain by waiting. Reason #2 – New Beginnings! The beginning of a new year always brings with it hope for a better year than the last. If they hope to save the marriage is lost, then it’s time to start over. The dread people feel around staying in a hopeless situation filled with resentments, anger, and misunderstandings is often overwhelming for people who decide to divorce in January. Most people feel if they don’t take the leap in January, they never will. So, filled with a sense of courage, they jump. Maybe they have tried everything. Maybe they were never committed enough to really put themselves fully into the relationship. It takes a ton of courage to look at yourself and be willing to retract the claws of blame long enough to really see if the marriage can be saved. I can help with that. If you’ve tried everything, give me a chance and I guarantee that if I can’t help you save your marriage, you’ll leave it knowing you’ve given it your all. You’ll also be better equipped to deal with your marriage in an empowered way and keep your heart open to a future lover. Reason #1 – To Benefit the Kids! Most people stay married for years because they don’t want to cause their children pain. They think they’re doing them a favor. But, when I ask them what they think they are teaching their children by staying in a loveless, unhappy, or abusive relationship they usually have big insights that lead to action. It’s not an easy thing to realize you’ve been teaching your children how to settle for less and how to be unhappy and how to put themselves last. When I ask my clients if they would want their children to stay in a relationship they were unhappy in, they ALWAYS reply “No!” It’s a humbling experience to realize the very reason you’re sacrificing your own happiness may be the very thing you are teaching your children to do later in life. They learn from watching you. They learn how to DO relationships by what they see you do. They really do learn by example. They learn how to be treated by what you put up within a relationship. They do! Maybe this realization helps you to decide to file for divorce in January. But, I recommend talking to me first. Because I have helped tons of people change their relationships into ones they can be proud of teaching modeling for their children. After working with me, guilt will reside and you can feel confident you’re making a good decision for yourself and your children, regardless of the decision you make. If you do decide to break up, you will understand why more divorces are filed in January than any other month.

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• How to Bring Your Sexy Back After Divorce

  If you’re like most people, divorce has shaken your confidence to the core, leaving you feeling anything but desirable. Sexy isn’t about the shape you’re in or the clothes you wear. It’s definitely not about what someone told you or what anyone else thinks. Sexy is all about cultivating a mindset where you’re steeped in your own juiciness. Feeling sexy is an inside-out job, not an outside-in job. Here are three quick practices to help you cultivate a sexy mindset so you can learn how to be sexy no matter what is happening in your life. Read 3 go-to tips to bring your sexy back on my article at Your Tango!

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