The Pain of Betrayal can Cause us to Never Trust Again
Have you been deeply hurt by someone you completely trusted? Misplaced trust and why we don’t trust are often intertwined. This can lead to deeper questions about our relationships. In the midst of the betrayal did you make a commitment to never trust again? Was this because of misplaced trust and why we don’t trust events in the past?
A client’s story…
In her eighteenth year of marriage, Linda had a strange feeling that her husband was cheating on her. This illustrates misplaced trust and why we don’t trust sometimes. She couldn’t put her finger on it, and she didn’t really want to believe it. So she ignored the feeling in her stomach that told her something was different. He became defensive when she asked why he had so many business trips. He dismissed her concern, pointing out that she is the one who wanted to move to the country. That required more hours at the office.
Six months later she found a receipt for lingerie, but the gift never came to her. When she asked him about it, he said it was a gift for the secretary from the office staff and he picked it up. He always had someone run those errands for him in the past. Yet, she dismissed her uneasy feeling telling herself that he would never lie to her. This is another instance of misplaced trust and why we don’t trust.
One year later they were sitting at a café together when a woman walked up to them and said she wasn’t going to put up with sharing him any longer. She stormed off crying. Linda reluctantly believed her husband when he told her that it was a case of mistaken identity. However, Linda could feel in her body that something wasn’t right and yet she kept pushing it away. She became despondent and distant from her husband. But she couldn’t really understand why – she didn’t want to believe he would cheat on her.
Three years later they were sitting in a courtroom finalizing their divorce. Linda felt betrayed and vowed to never trust again. For five years before she called me, she lived in an angry, blaming, bitter, resentful energy that was eating away at her confidence and self-esteem. It affected her relationships with men and was even destroying long-term relationships with her girlfriends.
If this resonates, trauma informed coaching can help you feel safe in love again.
How to Trust Again – It’s about YOU!
I’ve heard countless stories of women making a decision to never trust again, only to find out that it was misplaced trust that needed realignment. Your body tells you the truth and it is your mind that compels you to ignore what you know to be the truth – deep down inside your heart. Why did you ignore the signs caused by misplaced trust? Why do we not trust our instincts?
The most common reason for ignoring our intuition is fear—fear of being alone, fear of being right, fear of loss, fear of the unknown. Our minds push us to maintain the status quo rather than disrupt what feels familiar. This is the essence of a love or fear mindset: choosing between protecting yourself from fear or honoring yourself through love. The truth is, you betrayed yourself. I know that’s hard to hear—it always is—but it’s also freedom. When you reclaim your own trust by shifting into a love or fear mindset rooted in love, not fear, trusting others becomes effortless.
The Freedom to Trust Again
When you commit to paying attention – not in a fearful way, but in an honoring way – then you can let go and stop worrying. You can stop looking for where external betrayals exist. Additionally, you can stop looking for inconsistencies and be present with whatever is presenting itself – because you KNOW you’re okay. Not that you’re going to be okay, but that you ARE okay right now! In this way you can relax in your relationship with the unknown and all that you can’t control.
You don’t have to worry about being dropped, because you trust in your own open heart and ability to move forward and learn from each experience you have. The next one is right around the corner.
What happened to Linda?
After working with me through Spiritual Divorce and “Deal Makers and Deal Breakers,” Linda is in a committed relationship with a wonderful man. Their communication is free-flowing and Linda trusts herself completely. She knows that being hurt in a relationship is something that happens and she trusts her ability to respond appropriately. She feels confident and happy and sure of her future.
What YOU Can to do Trust Again
Trusting yourself is the key to trusting others. You must connect with yourself and know what your inner-world is all about. Here are 3 things you can to do connect with yourself and trust again.
- Connect with yourself through a simple meditation practice. If you can, take 20 minutes in the morning and evening just to sit and be with yourself in silence. Feel the life-force energy move through your breath.
- Explore your inner-world through a coaching relationship. Get feedback from someone who can help you see the places that you’ve sold yourself out – in a way that is non-judgmental and compassionate.
- Communicate! Speak your truth. If you have a sense about something, check it out. EARLY! Don’t wait or sweep things under the carpet for months – say what is on your mind and trust how you feel afterward. (Then go back to numbers 1 & 2)
